Windy City Weekend: Shootings or Fireworks? (Spoiler Alert: Not Fireworks)
Ah, Chicago. City of broad shoulders, deep-dish pizza, and, well, a weekend shooting spree that could rival a particularly enthusiastic Wild West reenactment. But fear not, fellow citizens of the internet, because I, your intrepid reporter (who is safely ensconced behind a very sturdy computer monitor, many miles away), have braved the metaphorical bulletstorm of news reports to bring you the lowdown.
The Body Count: Numbers so High They Might Make Kanye Run for Mayor (Again)
So, how many folks got ventilated in the Windy City this past weekend? Buckle up, because the numbers are about to do a Michael Jordan and launch themselves into the stratosphere. There are reports ranging from 7 folks who got turned into Swiss cheese [Chicago News WTTW], all the way up to a whopping 10 who met their maker via lead poisoning [NBC Chicago].
Now, before you start prepping your bomb shelter and learning the survival skills of a raccoon, let's take a deep breath (because apparently that's in short supply in Chicago this weekend). The exact number seems to be a bit of a guessing game, like trying to count pigeons in a park. That said, it's safe to say it was a bad weekend for stray bullets and folks looking for a peaceful stroll.
Where'd all the Lead Come From? More Questions Than a Conspiracy Theorist at a Government Building
Now, you might be wondering, "What sparked this weekend's shoot-em-up extravaganza?" Well, my friends, that's a question that even the best psychics are probably struggling with. Some reports point to gang violence, others to stray arguments that escalated quicker than a toddler's tantrum. The truth, as always, is probably a messy mix of things.
One thing's for sure, though: this ain't the first time Chicago's weekend has echoed with gunfire, and it probably won't be the last. But hey, at least you can always count on Chicago for some excitement, right? Just maybe stay off the streets after dark and invest in a good Kevlar vest.
Stay Safe Out There, Folks (Unless You're in Chicago, Then Maybe Just Stay In)
Look, on a serious note, gun violence is a terrible thing, and our thoughts go out to the victims and their families. Here's hoping that next weekend in Chicago will be a little less "Die Hard" and a little more "Breakfast at Tiffany's."
But hey, if you do find yourself in the middle of a Chicago weekend dust-up, just remember: dodge, dip, dive, duck, and don't dodge (because that might be misconstrued as hostile). Stay safe, folks!
