Windy City Woes: Dodgeball or Did Somebody Bring Bullets?
The inquiry on everyone's mind: just how many folks got peppered in the Windy City yesterday?
Well, buckle up, because according to sources we like to call "unimpeachably reliable acquaintances of a pigeon who hangs out by the courthouse," a number of individuals engaged in a spirited disagreement involving what some might call "ballistics."
Now, before you reach for your fainting couch, the exact number of casualties is about as clear as Chicago deep dish after a rogue wave crashes through a pizzeria window. Estimates range from a dramatic 98 (dramatic because, ouch!) to a statistically improbable negative number (the police are looking into this, alongside the possibility of a time-traveling incident involving paintball).
Stay tuned, folks, because as this story unfolds, we're diving deep into the following:
- Were these truly shootings, or an overzealous game of dodgeball that got a little out of hand? We're talking rogue wrenches vs. rogue weapons here.
- Did a flock of particularly territorial pigeons decide to settle their turf war with bullets? Stranger things have happened (though, admittedly, not that many strange things).
We'll keep you updated on this developing situation, folks. In the meantime, if you hear unexplained whistling, it's probably just the wind...or maybe a pigeon with a grudge.
