So You Tried Really Hard to Bump Someone Off (But Thankfully Failed) - How Many Years Are You Looking At in California?
Ah, attempted murder. The crime of choice for scorned lovers, hot-headed neighbors in HOA disputes, and those who just reeeeally aren't fans of Mondays. But before you go all "Weekend at Bernie's" on your Feind (that's German for "enemy," for those not fluent in the language of exasperated sighs), let's talk about the potential repercussions, because guess what? California ain't exactly chill with attempted murder vacations.
Degrees of Doom: First-Degree Fun and Second-Degree Sadness
Attempted murder, like that sweater your grandma knitted you, comes in two distinct styles: first-degree and second-degree.
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First-degree attempted murder: This is the "I planned this for weeks, bought a commemorative spork for the occasion" kind of attempted murder. Think elaborate schemes, lying in wait, and a real commitment to the whole "bumping someone off" thing. If convicted, you're looking at life in prison with the possibility of parole. Ouch.
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Second-degree attempted murder: This is more of a "heat of the moment, maybe I've had a few too many White Russians" situation. Think drunken brawls, road rage incidents, and that time Uncle Steve tried to light the turkey on fire (we all have those relatives, right?). Here, you're facing 5, 7, or 9 years in the slammer. Still not ideal, but definitely preferable to a life sentence.
Important Note: There are additional factors that can lengthen your stay at the California Club for Felons, such as if the attempted murder involved a police officer or firefighter. So yeah, maybe hold off on the whole "whack-a-cop" plan.
But Wait, There's More! (Because Lawyers Love Disclaimers)
This is not legal advice, folks. This is more like "friendly advice from your internet buddy who enjoys true crime documentaries a little too much." If you're facing attempted murder charges, get yourself a lawyer, and a good one. They'll be able to navigate the legalese and fight for the best possible outcome in your, ahem, sticky situation.
Conclusion: Don't Do It
Look, nobody wants to spend years singing "Jailhouse Rock" with Bubba. There are far better ways to deal with your anger. Take up yoga, write a scathing but hilarious tell-all book (just make sure it's fiction!), or channel your inner Jackson Pollock and throw some paint at a canvas.
Attempted murder is a serious crime with serious consequences. So, the next time you feel a murderous rage coming on, take a deep breath, step away from the metaphorical (or literal) spork, and find a more constructive outlet for your emotions.
Unless it's Uncle Steve and that darn turkey. In that case, all bets are off.
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