So You Wanna Buy the Chicago Bears, Eh? A Not-So-Serious Guide for Casual Billionaires
Ah, the Windy City's gridiron warriors, the Chicago Bears. Filled with history, heart (debatable depending on the season), and enough delicious Italian beefs to feed a small army. But let's be honest, you're not here for the hot dogs (although they are a perk). You've got billionaire dreams and Soldier Field visions dancing in your head. You want to be the new George Halas, minus the whole black and white era thing. But before you loosen up your Gucci loafers and start counting metaphorical stacks of cash, let's delve into the nitty-gritty of buying a football franchise, Chicago Bears edition.
First things first: How much is this gonna set you back?
Buckle up, buttercup. The Chicago Bears aren't exactly impulse-buy territory. In 2023, these guys were valued at a cool $6.3 billion. Yes, billion with a 'B'. That's more money than you've probably seen outside of Scrooge McDuck's vault (and let's be real, even Scrooge might need a loan for this one).
But wait, there's more! That $6.3 billion is just the franchise value. Then you gotta factor in things like:
- Soldier Field: Sure, it has that certain old-timey charm, but renovating that behemoth could cost a pretty penny (or several).
- The Players: These guys don't exactly work for minimum wage. Star QB on your wishlist? Prepare to open up the checkbook.
- The Mascot: Don't underestimate the power of a good mascot. Just ask the San Diego Chicken.
So, is buying the Chicago Bears a sound investment?
Well, that depends on your definition of "sound." If you're looking for a quick return on your investment, this might not be the best bet. But, if you're in it for the love of the game, the glory, and the sheer bragging rights of owning a legendary franchise... then hey, who am I to judge?
Here are some additional points to ponder:
- Do you have a catchy new fight song in mind? "Ditka's Ditty" is a tough act to follow.
- Are you prepared for the inevitable debates about hot dog vs. Italian beef? This is Chicago, take a stand.
- Do you have a plan to deal with overzealous fans after a particularly brutal loss? Chicagoans wear their hearts on their sleeves, especially when it comes to the Bears.
Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to buy the Chicago Bears is a personal one. But hey, if you've got the cash, the courage, and a deep love for the game (and Italian beefs), then who knows? You might just be the next Chicago legend. Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility...and a never-ending supply of Tums.
