So You Wanna Be Homeless in Chicago? A Crash Course for the (Hopefully) Unprepared
Alright, listen up, adventurers! You've made the bold decision to ditch the rent and embrace the fresh air...of a Chicago alleyway. Maybe your landlord decided your prized porcelain ferret collection wasn't "decorative enough," or perhaps budgeting just isn't your strong suit (who needs socks anyway?). Whatever the reason, you're here, and Chicago's concrete jungle awaits! But fear not, intrepid explorer, for this handy guide will turn you from newbie napper to seasoned sidewalk sleeper in no time.
Finding Your digs:
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The Humble Cardboard Box: A classic! Bonus points for fancy furniture stores that toss out those gloriously oversized ones. Look for a scenic alleyway with minimal rat traffic.
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Going Upmarket: The CTA Night Bus: Think of it as a mobile hostel! Just be sure to disembark before they kick you off at the end of the line. Nighttime offers a lovely view of the city's underbelly, and hey, free (questionable) heat in the winter!
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Luxury Living: The Lakefront: Breathtaking lake views? Check. Gentle lullaby of crashing waves? Check. Slightly disgruntled geese as roommates? Double check. But hey, gotta sacrifice something for the view, right?
Feasting Like a King (or, you know, a vagrant):
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The Leftover Buffet: Dumpster diving isn't glamorous, but hey, man's gotta eat. Just be sure to check the expiration dates (mostly for sentimental reasons).
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The Art of the Hustle: Street performing is a great way to earn a few bucks (and avoid scurvy by accepting those slightly bruised apples). Harmonica? Juggling skills? Dramatic interpretive dance about mime and the meaning of existence? The possibilities are endless!
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Befriending the Local Hot Dog Stand Guy: There's always a chance he'll take pity on you and toss a questionable chili dog your way. Just avoid spilling relish on his prized White Sox hat.
Keeping Yourself Entertained:
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People Watching: Chicago's streets offer a never-ending stream of characters. From the deep-dish pizza enthusiast in yoga pants to the man yelling about squirrels controlling the government, there's always something to see.
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Pigeon Chess Championships: Who needs a fancy chessboard when you have pigeons and a strategically placed piece of stale bread? Winner gets the better cardboard box location!
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Self-Improvement Seminars: Lectures under the el tracks by your friendly neighborhood conspiracy theorist are always a hoot. Just take everything with a grain of salt (unless it's actually edible road salt, then maybe skip that).
Important Tips:
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Shower Power: Public libraries often have restrooms with working sinks. Baby wipes are your best friend.
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The Buddy System: There's safety in numbers, especially when it comes to keeping an eye out for overzealous parking enforcement officers or particularly territorial squirrels.
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A Smile and a Kind Word: Chicagoans may seem gruff, but a friendly hello can go a long way. You never know who might have a spare hot dog or a life-changing tip on the best dumpster behind that fancy French bakery.
Disclaimer:
Homelessness is a serious issue, and this guide is meant to be humorous, not a substitute for seeking help. There are many fantastic organizations in Chicago dedicated to helping those in need.
Consider this your nudge to check out resources like Chicago Coalition for the Homeless before you decide to rough it on the Magnificent Mile.
But hey, if you're determined to rough it, at least you'll rough it with a smile!
