So You Think You Can Chicago Handshake? A Guide for the Brave (or Foolhardy)
Ah, the Chicago Handshake. A local legend, a rite of passage, a drink that will make you question your life choices and wonder if your taste buds are actually tiny gremlins declaring war on your sanity. But hey, if you're visiting the Windy City and want to experience it all, this potent potion is a must-try (or must-avoid, depending on your temperament).
Deconstructing the Danger: What's in the Handshake?
The Chicago Handshake is a beautiful paradox, a yin and yang of flavors guaranteed to whip your taste buds into a frenzy. On one hand, you have the bold and brassy Jeppson's Malört, a wormwood liqueur that tastes like your grandpa's gym sock decided to become a beverage. On the other hand, there's the smooth and easy-drinking Old Style Beer, a Chicago classic known for being, well, easy to drink.
Pro Tip: Don't be fooled by Old Style's gentle nature. You'll need it to chase away the lingering Malört aftertaste, which some describe as "drinking paint thinner after eating a grapefruit that wrestled a skunk."
The Handshake Technique: A Three-Step Symphony (or Cacophony)
- The Glowering Glance: Hold the shot of Malört up to the light and admire its… unique color. Now, take a long, hard look at your friend and wonder why you're inflicting this upon yourselves.
- The Bracing Bottoms Up: Throw back the Malört like a seasoned cowboy (or a desperate soul). Brace yourself for the taste explosion (or implosion, depending on your perspective).
- The Old Style Oasis: Grab your Old Style and take a long, luxurious swig. Let the smooth, malty flavor wash away the memories of the Malört. Repeat as necessary.
Important Note: The Chicago Handshake is not for the faint of heart (or taste buds). If Malört is a bit too much to handle, you can sub it out for another shot, though some may argue that defeats the purpose.
Handshake Aftermath: What to Expect (and How to Survive)
- The Facial contortions: Be prepared for some impressive displays of grimacing, wincing, and involuntary gagging. It's all part of the experience!
- The Existential Crisis: You may briefly question your sanity and wonder why humans ever willingly consume such things. Don't worry, it's temporary (or maybe not).
- The Bonding Experience: After surviving the Handshake together, you and your drinking companion will have a story to tell and a newfound appreciation for… well, maybe not Malört, but definitely your friendship.
So there you have it, folks! A crash course in the Chicago Handshake. Will it change your life? Probably not. But hey, at least you can say you tried a drink that will leave a lasting impression (and maybe some lingering trauma) on your taste buds. Now go forth, conquer the Handshake, and emerge victorious (or at least slightly less nauseous).