So You Want to Hang Out with Heroes After You Kick the Bucket? A (Mostly) Serious Guide to Burial at Fort Sam Houston National Cemetery
Let's face it, folks, shuffling off this mortal coil isn't exactly a picnic. But hey, if you gotta go, why not go in style? Ever considered spending eternity nestled amongst war heroes and military legends at the prestigious Fort Sam Houston National Cemetery? Sounds pretty darn swanky, right?
Now, before you dust off your best afterlife attire (rumor has it plaid is big in the celestial realms), there are a few hoops you gotta jump through. This ain't exactly a walk in the park (though a stroll through a national cemetery can be quite peaceful).
Who Qualifies for This Epic Dirt Nap?
The good news is, unlike that exclusive nightclub downtown, Fort Sam Houston doesn't have a velvet rope situation. But there are some ground rules. Top billing goes to veterans with a honorable discharge, of course. Spouses and dependent children of veterans might also qualify, but it's best to check with the National Cemetery Scheduling Office to make sure (phoning the afterlife concierge is still under development).
Hold on to Your Horses (or Coffins): The Not-So-Spooky But Important Details
Alright, so you were a decorated war hero or married to one. Fantastic! Now for the slightly less thrilling part: paperwork. Gather your military discharge documents and get ready to fax them to the National Cemetery Scheduling Office. Don't worry, they take pity on the recently deceased and offer follow-up calls too (probably because carrier pigeons are unreliable in the afterlife).
Here's the kicker: grave plots are assigned by the cemetery, so no picking your spot next to General McAwesome. But hey, think of it this way: wherever you end up, you're surrounded by American history! Just be prepared to answer a lot of "who was that guy?" questions from any ghostly generals who might wander by.
The Perks of Being Buried with Badasses
Now, onto the fun stuff! Burials at Fort Sam Houston come with a complimentary American flag for your casket, a snazzy headstone (though inscription space is limited, so keep your epitaph short and sweet), and perpetual care of the grounds. Basically, you get to be a pampered patriot for all eternity. Plus, who knows? Maybe you'll score an invite to some epic, spectral poker games with Civil War generals. You might even pick up a tip or two on battlefield strategy (though hopefully none of you will need it anymore).
Remember, even heroes gotta follow the rules. So plan ahead, make sure you qualify, and get those documents in order. Before you know it, you'll be swapping war stories with the best of them in the hallowed grounds of Fort Sam Houston. Just try not to haunt the gift shop – those porcelain eagles aren't cheap, you know.
