So You Want Your Child to Dread Every Dewey Decimal? A Guide (NOT!) to Hating English, Courtesy of Your Local Child
Listen up, parents! Is your progeny bouncing off the walls with unbridled enthusiasm for verb conjugations and comma placement? Do they constantly pester you to dissect the deeper meaning of Dr. Seuss rhymes? Fear not, weary warriors! This handy guide, courtesy of your very own resident English-loathing expert (your child, of course), will have them groaning at the mere mention of "literature" in no time.
Step 1: Embrace the Beige!
Textbooks? Textbooks are sooooo 20th century. Insist on beige-on-beige worksheets devoid of pictures or interesting fonts. Bonus points if the paper is scratchy and the margins are so narrow your child needs a magnifying glass to see the questions.
Subheading: Spice Must Die!
Who needs lively discussions about characters or plot twists? Nope! Focus solely on dry, technical aspects like identifying similes that would make even Shakespeare yawn. Underline every single "like" and "as" until your child associates them with pure torture.
Step 2: Dictation Domination!
Speaking of torture, unleash the dreaded dictation demon! Choose long, convoluted passages filled with homophones and tricky punctuation. When they inevitably stumble, make dramatic pronouncements about the "downfall of civilization" due to their comma woes.
Step 3: Sugar-Coat it with Tests!
Who needs the joy of reading for fun when you have the thrill of multiple-choice mayhem? Ditch the captivating novels and replace them with endless test prep packets. Multiple choice questions about the color of the protagonist's socks in chapter 17 are sure to ignite a lifelong passion for the written word.
Step 4: Ban the Fun Police on Patrol!
Forget graphic novels, audiobooks, or (gasp!) even writing their own stories. These nefarious tools might actually make your child enjoy English. Stick to rigid grammar drills and vocabulary lists so obscure they'd make a thesaurus weep.
Remember: A healthy dose of guilt and shame goes a long way! Constantly remind your child of all the successful adults who "loved" English and how their lack of enthusiasm is a dire sign for their future.
Congratulations! You're well on your way to raising a child who will fondly remember English class as the place dreams went to die.
FAQs:
How to ensure they never pick up a book for fun? Simple! Replace bedtime stories with long-winded lectures on the Dewey Decimal System.
How to make them dread writing assignments? Assign overly restrictive topics like "The Importance of Staplers in Modern Society" with a minimum word count that would make Tolstoy cry.
How to guarantee they never watch educational shows? Convince them that anything remotely educational is inherently boring (except, of course, your lectures on the Dewey Decimal System).
How to make them think all English teachers are evil overlords? Complain incessantly about your own negative experiences with English class, ensuring they view teachers with suspicion from day one.
How to make them believe they'll never need English in the real world? Tell them the internet translates everything for you now, and besides, who needs to communicate effectively anymore?
(Disclaimer: This guide is intended for satirical purposes only. Please, for the love of all things literary, encourage your child to find joy in the written word!)
