So You Wanna Be an NYT-Worthy Wedding? A Guide for the Status-Obsessed (and Slightly Clueless)
Let's face it, folks, getting your wedding in the New York Times isn't exactly a walk down the aisle. It's more like navigating a social obstacle course blindfolded while juggling flaming baguettes. But fear not, lovebirds with dreams of newsprint grandeur! This handy guide will equip you with the knowledge (and questionable morals) to maybe, possibly, snag that coveted spot in the Weddings/Celebrations section.
Step 1: Be Important (or at Least Pretend Really Hard)
The New York Times isn't exactly known for publishing just any Tom, Dick, and Harriet's nuptials. You need to exude an aura of accomplishment, like being a brain surgeon who moonlights as a champion yodeler. Did you cure a rare disease while simultaneously winning the lottery? Perfect! Did your cat win a staring contest against a houseplant? Work with what you've got.
Pro Tip: If your claim to fame is a particularly impressive collection of novelty socks, consider eloping to Vegas instead.
Step 2: Craft a Narrative that Makes Jane Austen Weep
Now, listen up. This isn't the time to rehash your Tinder swipe-right meet-cute. The New York Times craves a love story that would make the Brontë sisters misty-eyed. Did you two bond over rescuing baby pandas in Peru? Did your love blossom during a heated debate on the merits of artisanal cheese? Dream bigger, people!
Side note: Rescuing baby pandas might actually work. Just sayin'.
Step 3: The Photo Op - Forget Duckface, Think Royalty
The New York Times has a certain aesthetic. Think classic portraits, not goofy selfies with your sunglasses-wearing dog as the officiant (although, adorable!). Professional photos are a must. Imagine Prince William and Kate Middleton, but with slightly less stuffy smiles.
Alternatively: If you have a hidden talent for recreating historical paintings, consider a Renaissance-themed photo shoot. Just make sure grandma doesn't mistake it for a costume party.
Step 4: Be Patient (and Maybe Offer Sacrifices to the Newspaper Gods)
Getting your announcement published is a competitive sport. Submitting your request at least six weeks before the wedding is crucial. But let's be honest, the earlier the better. Consider offering a small tribute to the newspaper gods. A basket of gourmet muffins might do the trick.
Disclaimer: We are not liable for any disgruntled deities or overflowing break rooms at the New York Times.
How to NYT Wedding FAQ:
Q: How much does it cost?
A: There's no official fee, but the announcement itself has a price tag that depends on length. Think of it as an investment in your social standing.
Q: Can I submit after the wedding?
A: Nope. Gotta get those lovebirds in before the "I dos."
Q: Is a big, fancy wedding necessary?
A: Thankfully, no! A courthouse ceremony and a killer love story might just do the trick.
Q: How can I improve my chances?
A: Follow the tips above, and maybe write your announcement in iambic pentameter. The editors will be impressed...or deeply confused.
Q: Should I bribe the mailman?
A: We strongly advise against it. But hey, desperate times call for desperate measures... kind of.
