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You Moved to the City That Never Sleeps...Now What? A Totally Serious Guide (with Tongue Firmly in Cheek)
Congrats, champ! You landed in the concrete jungle where dreams are made of, or at least overpriced lattes with oat milk. Now that you're a bona fide New Yorker (or at least someone with a MetroCard), let's navigate this glorious chaos, shall we?
Finding Your Nest (Without Selling a Kidney)
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- Embrace the Shoebox: Unless you're rolling in dough like a bagel, your apartment will likely resemble a walk-in closet with a hotplate. But hey, cozy means romantic, right?
- Location, Location, Location (Unless It's Too Expensive): Sure, living next to Central Park sounds fancy, but can you afford the rent that could feed a small village (of squirrels)? Explore outer boroughs like Queens or Brooklyn – they're way cooler (and cheaper) anyway.
- Roommates: The Good, the Bad, and the One Who Hoards Empty Spindrift Cans: Sharing an apartment is a NYC rite of passage. You might find your BFF, your future therapist, or someone who microwishes fish every Tuesday. Just breathe deeply and remember, noise-canceling headphones are your friend.
Conquering the Subway: A Masterclass (Kind Of)
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- The Rush Hour Shuffle: Welcome to a sardine can on wheels hurtling underground. Learn the art of the strategic shove (gentle, please) and develop a sixth sense to avoid suspicious puddles (mystery doesn't always equal adventure).
- Subway Etiquette 101: Don't block the doors, avoid making eye contact (unless offering a fellow passenger epic dance moves – that's encouraged), and never eat smelly food. Seriously, no one wants durian on their morning commute.
- Beware the Performers: You'll encounter everything from opera singers to breakdancing pigeons. Enjoy the free entertainment, but resist the urge to hand out participation trophies – the city's already crowded enough.
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Basically Everything Else
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- Embrace the Grind: New York is a city that runs on ambition and hustle (and maybe a little bit of bodega coffee). Be prepared to work hard, chase your dreams, and dodge rogue hot dog carts.
- Become a Social Butterfly (But Not Literally): New Yorkers might seem gruff, but they're a friendly bunch underneath it all. Strike up conversations, explore hidden bars, and soak up the city's vibrant energy.
- Prepare for Anything (Because Anything Can Happen): Power outages? Sudden downpours that turn streets into rivers? A rogue parade of dancing poodles? Just roll with it – that's the New York spirit!
How to Survive in NYC: FAQ
- How to Avoid Getting Eaten by a Rat? Maintain a healthy skepticism of all food scraps on the sidewalk.
- How to Dress for Every Season in One Day? Layers are your best friend. Be prepared for sunshine, a blizzard, and everything in between.
- How to Deal with Rude People? A healthy dose of sarcasm and a sassy comeback usually do the trick.
- How to Find the Best Pizza? This is a lifelong quest. Embrace the journey (and the inevitable heartburn).
- How to Not Miss Your Old Life? New York offers endless possibilities. Embrace the new, but don't forget to call your mom sometimes (unless she asks for money – then maybe skip a call).
So there you have it, folks! Your crash course in NYC living. Remember, it's a wild ride, but with a little humor and a whole lot of resilience, you'll be a full-fledged New Yorker in no time. Now get out there and conquer this crazy, beautiful city!