So You Wanna Escape the Golden State? How to Prove You're a Certified Non-Californian
Ah, California. Land of sunshine, surf, and...endless tax audits? Look, California's great, but sometimes a resident just needs a residency-shaped exit. Maybe the dream of owning a house that doesn't require a side hustle as a superhero isn't quite the dream you envisioned. Or perhaps the idea of dodging rogue avocados falling from fruit stands just isn't your cup of tea (they're surprisingly heavy). Whatever your reason, proving you're a non-Californian can feel like convincing your grandma aliens exist (bless her heart). Fear not, fellow fugitive! This guide will turn you from a California question mark into a residency rockstar.
Exhibit A: You've Mastered the Art of Not Beaching
California beaches are legendary. But you, my friend, have transcended them. You vacation in landlocked countries, proudly rocking your socks with sandals combo. Sand? Not your scene. Ocean breeze? More like a mild headwind, really. Bonus points: Develop a sudden, inexplicable fear of seagulls.
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Exhibit B: Owning a Car Doesn't Mean You Drive Like a Californian
Sure, you own a car. But your average speed is a leisurely 45 mph. Underline this: You come to a complete stop at all yellow lights, even if it means a confused honking symphony behind you. Freeway exits? Forget about it. The mere thought sends shivers down your spine. Pro tip: Invest in a bumper sticker that reads "Honk If You Yield at Merges."
Tip: Look for small cues in wording.
Exhibit C: Your Social Life is Devoid of All Things Avocado Toast
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Californians and avocado toast have a...complicated relationship. You, however, are strictly a bagel with cream cheese kind of person. Shudder dramatically at the mention of smashed avocado on toast. Dramatically faint if forced to be in the same room with a sourdough starter.
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| How To Prove You Are Not A California Resident |
Exhibit D: Documenting Your Escape
QuickTip: Revisit this post tomorrow — it’ll feel new.
Paperwork is key! Get a library card (physical, of course, because everyone knows Californians only use ebooks) in your new state. Register to vote there too (and participate, unlike those slacker Californians). Bold this one: Take pictures of yourself bundled up in winter clothes during your new state's "brutal" (air quotes required) winter.
Remember: This is all about establishing residency elsewhere. By following these guidelines, you'll be a non-Californian in no time. Just, you know, don't tell your grandma about the avocado toast aversion. She might have a heart attack.
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