So You Want to Be Big News (Even in the Afterlife)? How to Score an Obit in the New York Times
Let's face it, folks, kicking the bucket isn't exactly a cause for celebration. But hey, if you gotta go, wouldn't it be snazzy to have your glorious existence immortalized in the hallowed pages of the New York Times? Consider this your one-stop guide to getting that obit game on point, from the comfort of your (hopefully not too uncomfortable) deathbed.
First Things First: Are You Newsworthy Enough?
Hold on there, tiger. The New York Times obituary section isn't exactly overflowing with reports on the guy who could mow a mean lawn stripe. Generally, they're looking for folks who made a significant impact (think CEOs, astronauts, that neighbor who always won the chili cook-off). But fear not, even us regular Joes have a shot! Did you invent a revolutionary spatula? Maybe you hold the record for most socks crammed into a single drawer? Every life is a fascinating story, you just gotta find the right angle.
Crafting Your Ode to Yourself (Without the Bragging)
Now that you've convinced yourself (and maybe even the undertaker) that you're newsworthy, it's time to write that killer obit. Pro-tip: This ain't the time for a humblebrag about your high school bowling trophies. Focus on the interesting stuff: your quirky hobbies, your near-death encounter with a rogue squirrel, that time you accidentally won a pie-eating contest (don't ask). Keep it factual, but weave in a dash of humor (you're about to be a ghost, lighten up!).
How to Submit Your Masterpiece (and Not Get Lost in the Obituary Abyss)
The New York Times offers a couple of ways to submit your masterpiece. You can try contacting their obit editor directly (good luck getting past their guard llamas). Otherwise, Legacy.com is your best bet. They'll help you navigate the process and make sure your obit doesn't get stuck in the spam filter of the afterlife. There is a fee, but hey, think of it as an investment in your eternal legacy.
Frequently Asked Questions (from Beyond the Grave)
How to convince my family I deserve a New York Times obit?
- Slide this article into their cereal boxes. Subtlety is key.
How long should my obit be?
- Think quality over quantity. Unless you invented cold fusion, keep it concise.
Can I include a funny anecdote?
- Absolutely! Just avoid anything that might make your grandma clutch her pearls.
How do I know if my obit made it in?
- Haunt the obituary section every morning. Spooky, but effective.
What if I'm not quite dead yet, but I want to get a head start?
- The New York Times doesn't accept pre-written obituaries (sorry, no crystal balls here). But hey, you can always write your own rough draft and leave it with your lawyer. Just don't accidentally hit publish!
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