How to Survive on Land and Sea (in Houston, Preferably with a Glass of Wine)
Ah, Houston. The city of humidity so thick you could carve it and sell it as swamp butter. The place where hurricanes have names and dreams are as big as Texas itself. But what if, dear reader, you found yourself in a bit of a sticky situation? Like, say, stranded outdoors (land!) or adrift (sea!) in our fair city? Fear not, for this guide will turn you from lost soul to Houston MacGyver in no time!
Landlubber Lost on Land? Don't Sweat It (Literally)
Let's be honest, Houston's not exactly known for its untamed wilderness. More like urban jungle with a serious case of the frizzies. But hey, even concrete can be a challenge if you're unprepared. Here's what you do:
- Channel Your Inner Cowboy (Hold the Horse): Remember, Houston's biggest predators are probably oversized mosquitoes and lawyers on contingency fees. So ditch the lasso and find some shade. Hydration is key, folks. Hit up a gas station for some emergency Gatorade (because fancy water bottles are for tourists).
- Become a Master Recycler: Houston's recycling program is...well, let's just say resourceful doesn't even begin to describe it. But that's to your advantage! Use cardboard boxes to build a survival sunshade (think fancy homeless fort) and plastic bags to collect rainwater (don't worry, it'll all taste like chlorine anyway).
- Befriend a Stray BBQ Pit: Houston practically runs on BBQ fumes. Follow your nose and you'll find a friendly pitmaster willing to share some brisket (and maybe point you in the direction of civilization). Just avoid the tumbleweeds (those are just rogue tumbleweeds that blew in from West Texas).
Lost at Sea (Because Seriously, How?):**
Okay, listen up. Houston isn't exactly known for its swashbuckling pirate life. More like a bayou life. But hey, if you find yourself bobbing around in a bathtub (because honestly, that's the most likely Houston seafaring vessel), here are some survival tips:
- Channel Your Inner Cajun: Those alligators you see sunbathing on the oil drums aren't there to judge. They might even share a half-eaten crawfish (don't be picky, survival is key).
- Use Your Boat Shoes as Floats: Because fashion is important, even in the apocalypse. Plus, those things are surprisingly buoyant. Just avoid attracting catfish with the fancy laces.
- Signal for Help with Your Stetson (or Whatever You Have): Who needs a flare gun when you have a ten-gallon hat? Wave it vigorously and hope someone mistakes you for a millionaire on a wacky yacht adventure.
Remember: In Houston, survival is all about resourcefulness and a healthy dose of don't-sweat-the-small-stuff attitude. After all, if you can survive a Houston summer, you can survive anything.
P.S. If you do make it out alive, head to How to Survive on Land and Sea (a real wine bar, not a survivalist manifesto) for a celebratory glass of vino. You deserve it.
