So You Wanna Be a Published Penguin in the L.A. Times? A Hilarious Guide to Writing a Letter to the Editor
Ah, the Los Angeles Times. The journalistic beacon shining brightly (most days) over the City of Angels. And you, my friend, have a burning desire to extinguish a pesky moth of misinformation with the swat of your eloquently written word. But hold on to your metaphorical flyswatter, because venturing into the Letters to the Editor section requires a certain finesse –– the kind that separates a soaring eagle from a confused emu in the animal kingdom of opinionated Angelenos.
Step 1: Find Your Inner Hemingway (With a Side of Chill)
First things first, channel your inner Hemingway. Craft a concise, impactful message. Remember, brevity is the soul of wit (and space limitations in the Letters section). Don't get lost in a Faulknerian labyrinth of clauses. Aim for punchy sentences that leave the reader wanting more, not begging for mercy.
But here's the twist! Unlike Hemingway, you can ditch the stoicism. A dash of humor, a sprinkle of self-deprecating wit, will endear you to the editors (and hopefully avoid landing you in the "Letters From Another Universe" section). Think of it as adding some California sunshine to your prose.
Remember: Don't go full-on stand-up routine. This ain't an open mic night at The Comedy Store. But a well-placed quip or a witty observation can go a long way in making your point memorable.
Step 2: Pick Your Poison (But Not Literally, That's Dangerous)
Now, the real fun begins. What are you going to rant...er, I mean, eloquently argue about? Is it the city's perpetual struggle with rogue squirrels (seriously, those things are fearless)? The ever-present debate over the best place to find a decent breakfast burrito?
Here's the golden rule: Keep it local, keep it relevant. Don't write about the existential dread of laundry day, no matter how relatable it is. The L.A. Times editors are looking for issues that resonate with Angelenos, not existential angst that transcends zip codes.
Step 3: Unleash the Fact-Checking Fury (Because Nobody Likes a Lying Penguin)
Opinions are great, but facts are your best friends. Back up your claims with some solid evidence. Did a recent study reveal the alarming intelligence of those aforementioned squirrels? Did a city council member propose a breakfast burrito summit (one can dream)? Use these nuggets of truth to add weight to your argument.
Pro Tip: Double-check your sources! Don't be that guy (or penguin) who gets their letter published based on a dubious internet meme.
Step 4: Craft a Subject Line Worthy of a B-Movie (Because Editors Love Drama)
The subject line is your headline, your epic one-liner that grabs the editor's attention. Think "Squirrels Gone Wild! Is No Burrito Safe?" or "The Great Breakfast Burrito Debate: A Call to Arms!" Just avoid anything too click-baity or they might send you straight to the spam folder.
Step 5: Hit Send and Pray (But Mostly Because You Wrote a Stellar Letter)
You've done it! You've poured your heart (and maybe a touch of outrage) into your masterpiece. Now, hit send and patiently wait. While refreshing the Letters to the Editor page every five minutes might be tempting, resist the urge.
Remember: Rejection is part of the game. But hey, if your letter doesn't make it this time, you can always polish it up, add a new hilarious anecdote about a rogue skateboarder, and try again. After all, persistence (and a touch of humor) are the hallmarks of a truly successful published penguin.
