How to Write to the Dallas Cowboys: A Guide for the Determined (or Slightly Delusional) Fan
Ah, the Dallas Cowboys. America's Team, a franchise dripping with more drama than a reality TV show marathon. You, a loyal fan (or perhaps a particularly disgruntled one), have a burning message that simply must reach Jerry Jones' desk. But how, you ask, do you navigate the treacherous path to corresponding with the Star in Frisco? Worry not, my friend, for this guide will illuminate your path like a well-thrown touchdown pass (or, you know, like a spectacular fumble recovery, depending on the day).
 |
| How To Write To The Dallas Cowboys |
Step One: Know Your Audience (Because Knowing is Half the Battle)
Jerry Jones: This enigmatic owner thrives on bold statements and flash. Think: exclamation points!!! and ALL CAPS for maximum impact.
The Coaching Staff: Be specific. Don't just say "Dak needs more help!" Instead, offer a detailed, crayon-illustrated battle plan involving a double reverse flea-flicker.
Tip: Reading in short bursts can keep focus high.
The Players: Tailor your message to their brand. Dak Prescott? Emphasize leadership and inspirational quotes. Ezekiel Elliott? Maybe focus on his love for delicious treats (research his favorite bakery first).
Important Note: There's a good chance your letter will be intercepted by a team of interns who wouldn't recognize Emmitt Smith if he ran through their living room. But hey, a little optimism never hurt anyone!
QuickTip: Slow scrolling helps comprehension.
Crafting Your Message: The Art of Persuasion (or Begging)
The Hook: Open strong! A funny anecdote, a well-placed pop culture reference (think "The League" quotes for Jerry), or a dramatic threat to burn your jersey in protest (though we advise against this) will grab their attention faster than a Micah Parsons sack.
The Body: Here's where you plead your case. For complaints: Maintain a polite yet firm tone. For praise: Gush like you just won tickets to the Super Bowl. Pro Tip: If you're proposing a trade, include detailed trading card statistics to showcase your expertise (and maybe a participation trophy for good measure).
QuickTip: Re-reading helps retention.
The Closer: End with a flourish! Reaffirm your unwavering fandom (even if it's been tested lately) and sign off with something memorable. "How Bout We?" is a classic, but feel free to get creative.
 |
Delivery Methods: From Pigeons to Pony Express (Because Options Are Good)
The Old-Fashioned Letter: There's something undeniably romantic about snail mail. Just be sure your handwriting is neater than Tony Romo's pre-snap reads.
Tip: Patience makes reading smoother.
Email: Faster, but less personal. Address it to the appropriate department (fan feedback, player inquiries, etc.) and avoid using emojis unless you're writing to Ezekiel Elliott.
Social Media: Tweet your heart out, but be aware you're entering a battlefield. You might get roasted by other fans faster than a Thanksgiving turkey.
Carrier Pigeon: A bold choice, but hey, if it worked for medieval kings, why not you? Just make sure your pigeon knows the difference between Dallas and Arlington (we're looking at you, Tony Romo).
Bonus Round: The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders This is a long shot, but hey, stranger things have happened. A well-placed compliment might just get your message passed along. Remember, though, flattery will get you everywhere, but only if it's sincere.
Remember: Writing to the Dallas Cowboys is a marathon, not a sprint. It may take weeks, months, or even years to get a response. But hey, if nothing else, you'll have a hilarious story to tell your friends (or therapist). Now get out there and write! Just, uh, maybe skip the glitter and confetti cannons.
 |
