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Washington D.C.: Sunday, May 19th - Did someone accidentally set the "exciting news" filter to "off"?
Let's face it, folks, today in Washington D.C. wasn't exactly breaking news central. Unless you're super into the thrilling world of D.C. school board meetings (because apparently they're adding "feelings curriculum" which, honestly, some politicians could probably use), then buckle up for a snoozefest.
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| What Happened In Washington Dc Today |
Highlights (or should we say, "lowlights") of the Day:
- A scooter went rogue: Yep, a lithium-ion battery-powered scooter decided to become a firebug in a restaurant basement. Thankfully, everyone's safe, but this might be a good time to invest in some fire extinguisher training for those two-wheeled terrors.
- D.C. flexing its muscles (figuratively, of course): A new study crowned Washington D.C. the hardest-working city in the U.S. Hold on, are we supposed to be impressed or slightly terrified by this superhuman work ethic?
- Guns, guns, and more guns: Look, we get it, D.C. has a gun violence problem. But a massive police bust with 15 arrests, 20 guns seized, and a whole pharmacy's worth of illegal drugs feels less like "cleaning up the streets" and more like a scene from a bad action movie.
- Maybe the real crime was the friends we made along the way: A poor guy in Fairfax County got robbed of $10k leaving an ATM in a classic case of "bank jugging." Lesson learned: maybe skip the solo ATM trips and ask a friend to be your human shield (not recommended, but desperate times, you know?).
Wait, there's more? (But not really)
- A man fell down an open shaft in a building. Thankfully, he was rescued, but this is a strong reminder to always be aware of your surroundings, folks. Especially in D.C. Apparently, even the buildings are trying to get rid of you.
- School daze: A Maryland teacher is under investigation for a viral TikTok featuring his students taking out his braids. Let's just say, this isn't the kind of "learning experience" most parents signed their kids up for.
- International intrigue (well, kind of): An unnamed international star is thanking their fans after their character got written off. Sounds juicy, right? Unfortunately, that's all we got. Maybe next time, D.C. will have some actual international espionage to liven things up.
So, there you have it. A day in D.C. that was about as exciting as watching paint dry. But hey, at least nobody declared war on a random country on Twitter, right?
FAQ: How to Survive a Boring News Day in D.C.
How to: Find excitement in the mundane.
- Answer: Turn that car fire on Rock Creek Parkway into a backyard barbecue story. Nobody will know the difference (probably).
How to: Channel your inner detective.
- Answer: Speculate wildly about the international star who got the boot. Was it a diva meltdown? A contract dispute? The possibilities are endless!
How to: Dodge rogue scooters.
- Answer: Develop a sixth sense for runaway lithium-ion batteries. Seriously, folks, this might be a real skill to have in the future.
How to: Avoid becoming a bank jugging victim.
- Answer: Travel in packs. Befriend a bodybuilder. Maybe invest in a portable forcefield (science fiction is allowed in these desperate times).
How to: Live vicariously through the drama of fictional characters.
- Answer: Binge-watch every single political drama ever made. It'll make real-life D.C. politics seem positively thrilling.
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