Buckle Up, Buttercup: What Happens if the Astros Actually Win Tonight?
The Houston Astros. Those plucky underdogs currently residing in the purgatory of baseball's also-rans (well, okay, 13-24 isn't exactly "also-rans" territory, but let's be honest). But tonight, dear reader, tonight is different. Tonight, the Astros have a chance to, well, not exactly defy the laws of physics, but maybe nudge them a little. They have a chance to win.
So, the existential question rears its head: what happens if the Astros pull off the unthinkable? Let's delve into the possibilities, shall we?
Scenario 1: The World Explodes (In a Good Way)
Okay, maybe not the entire world, but Minute Maid Park? Absolutely. Imagine the scenes: Altuve launches a walk-off homer that creates a shockwave strong enough to knock over the Crawford Boxes. Fireworks erupt, not from the planned post-game celebration, but from the sheer improbability of it all. Mass hysteria ensues, with fans chanting "We Believe!" in a tone that suggests they just discovered fire.
Scenario 2: Dusty Baker Gets Sprinkled with Fairy Dust
The ever-stoic Astros manager, Dusty Baker, is a man who has seen it all. World Series wins, scorching desert winds, the entire Macarena craze. But a win tonight? That, my friends, might be enough to crack a smile that could rival the Grand Canyon. Prepare for a post-game interview filled with aphorisms that somehow manage to be both wise and nonsensical. Dusty might even shed a single manly tear, a tear that, upon hitting the ground, spontaneously sprouts a victory rose.
Scenario 3: The Internet Collectively Loses Its Mind
Twitter? Molten core of hot takes. Sports blogs? Incoherent ramblings about a bygone era. Baseball forums? Oh, those poor, beleaguered forums. The sheer audacity of an Astros win would send shockwaves through the online baseball community. Expect conspiracy theories about hidden cameras and robot umpires to reach a fever pitch. Meanwhile, in the comment section of a random Astros fan page, someone will inevitably use the phrase "series win" and be promptly laughed into the digital ether.
Scenario 4: Absolutely Nothing Happens (Except Maybe a Sigh of Relief)
Let's be real, folks, the Astros winning tonight is about as likely as finding a winning lottery ticket wedged between your couch cushions. But hey, a man can dream, right? In this scenario, the game ends with a whimper, not a bang. The Astros tip their caps, the fans shuffle out, and the world keeps spinning. But somewhere, deep down, a glimmer of hope remains. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be the day.
So there you have it, folks. The potential consequences of an Astros win tonight. Will Minute Maid Park become a crater? Will Dusty sprout angel wings? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: it'll be a night to remember. Or, more likely, a night to forget and use as an amusing anecdote at next year's barbecue.
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