What Happens If San Francisco Loses

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The Great San Francisco Debacle: What Happens if the Fog City Falls? (Don't Panic, But Pack Some Sourdough)
Stage 1: Denial
Stage 2: Anger
Questions and Answers

The Great San Francisco Debacle: What Happens if the Fog City Falls? (Don't Panic, But Pack Some Sourdough)

Ah, San Francisco. City of sourdough, cable cars, and enough hills to make your calves weep. But what happens when this fair metropolis suffers a defeat? Be it a crushing loss in the big game, a particularly brutal fog rolling in, or a sea lion uprising (hey, it's a possibility!), fear not, dear reader! Here's your survival guide to a San Francisco setback:

What Happens If San Francisco Loses

Stage 1: Denial

First, there will be denial. A collective "there's no way that just happened" will echo through the streets. Traffic will grind to a halt not because of congestion, but because everyone's pulled over to stare slack-jawed at their phones. Don't be surprised to see sourdough tears rolling down the Golden Gate Bridge.

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QuickTip: Pause after each section to reflect.

Subheading: How to Spot a San Franciscan in Denial?

Look for individuals wearing jerseys two sizes too small muttering about "questionable calls" and "moral victories."

Observe a dramatic increase in clam chowder consumption. Studies (totally legit studies, we swear) show chowder possesses magical mood-boosting properties (or maybe it's just the bread bowl).

Stage 2: Anger

Tip: Stop when you find something useful.

Then, brace yourself for the anger. There will be a significant uptick in horn honking, Dungeness crab shells mysteriously appearing on opposing team's cars (we're not saying anything, but those things are pointy), and a surge in social media outrage. Remember, this is a passionate city, and defeat does not sit well.

Subheading: How to Survive San Franciscan Fury?

What Happens If San Francisco Loses Image 2

Keep your sourdough starter nice and happy. A contented starter translates to a contented city.

Avoid wearing the opposing team's colors. You wouldn't wear a tutu to a mosh pit, would you?

Stage 3: Acceptance (and Planning for Revenge)

Tip: Reread if it feels confusing.

Finally, acceptance washes over the city. The fog may lift (metaphorically, of course, it's San Francisco), and a steely glint enters the collective eye. This loss will only fuel the fire for next season. Gyms will see a surge in memberships, film sessions will be analyzed with laser focus, and let's just say opposing teams better watch out, because a vengeful San Francisco is a force to be reckoned with.