So You Wanna Know About Illinois' Big House Hotels? Not a Vacation Package!
Thinking about a little relocation to the fine state of Illinois? Maybe for some extra-curricular activities that landed you on the wrong side of the law? Well, if you're looking for a luxurious staycation courtesy of the Illinois Department of Corrections, then this guide is for you! But hold on to your sporks, because we're talking about the maximum security joints, not exactly Club Fed.
Notorious Neighbourhoods: A Rundown of Illinois' Maximum Security Prisons
- Menard Correctional Center: Buckle up for your stay at this Chester, Illinois classic. Menard boasts the title of Illinois' largest max-security prison, so you're guaranteed to meet a colourful cast of characters. Just remember, "colorful" in prison doesn't always mean fun socks.
- Stateville Correctional Center: This Crest Hill gem is steeped in history, and by history, we mean like, a lot of clanging cell doors and possibly some hauntings. Not exactly a relaxing stay, but hey, at least it'll give you a good story for whenever you (hopefully) get paroled.
- Lawrence Correctional Center: Looking for a more rural vibe? Lawrence Correctional Center offers stunning (well, maybe not stunning) views of Illinois farmland. Just remember, the only crops you'll be picking are boredom-induced anxieties.
- Pontiac Correctional Center: Pontiac isn't all about that Route 66 nostalgia, folks. This maximum-security prison is known for its tight ship, so be prepared to follow the rules (or face the consequences... which trust us, you don't wanna face).
- Illinois River Correctional Center: Ever dreamt of spending your days gazing at the scenic Illinois River? Well, if that dream also involves being surrounded by barbed wire and concrete, then Illinois River Correctional Center might be your perfect match!
Important Note: These are just some of the lovely locations available. There's no choosing your prison resort here, so pack accordingly!
Tip: Note one practical point from this post.
FAQs for the Unintentionally Incarcerated
How to pack for prison? Forget the fluffy towels and pool floats. Think sturdy shoes, a positive attitude (optional, but recommended), and maybe a really good book (because let's face it, you'll have plenty of time for reading).
Reminder: Take a short break if the post feels long.
How to stay safe in prison? Keep your head down, follow the rules, and avoid getting mixed up in any drama. Basically, be a model inmate... unless of course, you're going for that "tough guy" image. But hey, that's a risk we won't advise.
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How to communicate with loved ones on the outside? Gone are the days of burner phones and carrier pigeons. In most prisons, communication is limited to letters and monitored phone calls. So get ready to write some long letters, filled with news of... well, prison life.
Tip: The details are worth a second look.
How to get a good lawyer? This one's important. A good lawyer can be the difference between a short stay and a life sentence. So if you haven't secured legal representation yet, this might be a good time to start making some calls (from a friend's phone, of course).
How to stay positive? Look, prison isn't a walk in the park. But focusing on the negative won't do you any good. Try to stay positive, focus on self-improvement, and remember that this isn't your forever home.
Tip: Keep your attention on the main thread.
There you have it, folks! A crash course on Illinois' maximum security prisons. Hopefully this post has been informative, entertaining (in a dark humor kind of way), and has absolutely no bearing on your future travel plans. But hey, if you do find yourself becoming a guest of the Illinois Department of Corrections, good luck, stay safe, and maybe work on those penmanship skills for all those letters you'll be writing.
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