You Can Actually Escape Texas? A San Antonian's Guide to GTFO-ing
Howdy, partners! Ever dreamt of turquoise waters and a world beyond kolaches? Maybe you crave landscapes that don't require sunscreen year-round (although, have you seen the size of those margaritas? Sunburn is a badge of honor here). Whatever your reason for hightailing it out of the Lone Star State, this guide will equip you with the knowledge (and the essential snacks) to make a speedy exit from San Antonio.
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| How Long Does It Take To Get Out Of Texas From San Antonio |
Modes of Escape: Choosing Your Steed
Car: Buckle up, buttercup! This is the classic Texan escape method. Just point that rusty pickup south and pray for merciful gas station Wi-Fi along the way. Pro tip: Pack enough snacks to rival the Alamo gift shop and a playlist that goes beyond country two-stepping (your ears will thank you). Estimated Time: Depends entirely on where you're headed. El Paso? 6ish hours. New Orleans for some beignets? Double that, sunshine.
Bus: An economical option for the thrifty escapee. Just be prepared to become a real-life game of Tetris with fellow travelers and their questionable luggage. Entertainment options are limited (unless you count people-watching), so bring a good book (or a deck of cards to win over your seatmate). Estimated Time: Similar to a car, but with more bathroom breaks and existential dread.
Plane: The most glamorous way to ditch Texas (although, have you seen the lines at Whataburger? Glamour is relative). Soar above the mesquite trees and into the arms of flight attendants with questionable beverage service. Estimated Time: Depends on your destination, but hey, at least you get free peanuts (sometimes).
Important Note: While these estimates are a good starting point, remember, Texas is BIG. Like, friend-zoned-by-the-entire-continental-US big. So, factor in rush hour traffic, unexpected detours caused by tumbleweeds, and that time you absolutely have to stop for a brisket taco.
QuickTip: Use the post as a quick reference later.
Essential Supplies for Your Escape
- Water: Texas heat is no joke. Stay hydrated, or you'll be drier than a tumbleweed at a baptism.
- Snacks: See "Car" section above. Emphasis on the "enough" part.
- Entertainment: Books, podcasts, a pet armadillo (just kidding... maybe).
- GPS with a good sense of humor: Because sometimes, even Google Maps gets lost in the vastness of Texas.
Pro Tip: Download a good Spanish to English dictionary app. Knowing a few basic phrases will come in handy, especially if you get lost and have to ask a lone cowboy for directions.
QuickTip: Skim the intro, then dive deeper.
Frequently Asked Escapee Questions:
How to avoid suspicion when fleeing Texas?
QuickTip: Read again with fresh eyes.
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- Pack normally. A ten-gallon hat and a pair of boots won't arouse suspicion, but a lasso and a bullwhip might.
- Act casual. Texans are friendly folks. A simple "howdy" and a smile go a long way.
- Don't badmouth kolaches. It's a sacred pastry.
How to deal with withdrawal symptoms from Whataburger?
Tip: Summarize the post in one sentence.
- There is no cure. Just find a local burger joint and hope it fills the void. Spoiler alert: it won't.
How to explain to your Texan family you're leaving?
- "Bless your heart" and a mumbled "y'all come back soon" usually does the trick.
How to convince your pet armadillo it's not coming with you?
- See "Entertainment" section above. Maybe the armadillo will get engrossed in your book and forget all about world domination (armadillos dream of world domination, right?).
How to know when you've successfully escaped Texas?
- When you can finally order sweet tea without getting funny looks. You're free! (Although, deep down, you'll always be a little bit Texan.)
So there you have it, folks! Your guide to a smooth escape from San Antonio. Now git outta here (but don't forget to visit sometime)!
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