The Great Lakes and the Slightly Less Great Lakes of Cults: A Michigan Mystery
Ah, Michigan. The Mitten State. Home to Vernor's ginger ale (an acquired taste, for sure), Motown music that makes your feet tap, and enough freshwater coastline to fill a bathtub the size of Texas (don't try that at home, folks). But there's another side to Michigan, a side shrouded in mystery, whispered about in hushed tones around the campfire (or more likely, the bonfire, because it's Michigan and it gets chilly at night). Yes, we're talking about cults.
So, How Many Cults Are We Talking About Here?
The truth is, nobody knows for sure. Cults, by their very nature, are secretive. They're like mushrooms after a good rain - popping up unexpectedly, sometimes delicious, sometimes deadly (figuratively speaking, of course). Unlike mushrooms, however, cults don't leave spores behind for us to count.
There have been reports of everything from basement-dwelling UFO believers to health-food communes with questionable hygiene practices. But are these true cults, or just enthusiastic hobby groups with bad breath? That's the million-dollar question (or perhaps the Vernor's-dollar question, considering the local currency).
Maybe the Real Cult is the Friends We Made Along the Way
Here's the thing: defining a cult can be tricky. Is it just a religion with a charismatic leader and a taste for purple jumpsuits? Or is it something more sinister, isolating people from their families and demanding their every penny (and their firstborn child, if they're feeling particularly greedy)?
The line gets blurry, folks. Maybe the real cult is the suspicious glances we give our neighbors with their meticulously manicured lawns and matching cardigans. Maybe it's the never-ending scroll through social media, convinced everyone else's life is a perfectly curated highlight reel (it's not, trust me).
Cult-ure Club: How to Spot a Shady Group (Without Getting Shanked with a Spork)
Alright, so the question of how many cults remains a mystery. But fear not, intrepid cult-curious citizen! Here are some tips to help you navigate the weird and wonderful world of Michigan groups:
- Does the leader have more pictures with tigers than family photos? Red flag. Big red flag.
- Do they ask you to wear uncomfortable shoes? Because honestly, who wants to be stuck in uncomfortable shoes for a cult meeting? Self-respect is key.
- Is their website in Comic Sans font? Run. Don't walk. Comic Sans is a serious business turn-off, cultic or otherwise.
Remember: If something feels off, it probably is. Trust your gut, and maybe bring a friend (one who doesn't wear matching cardigans).
Cult FAQs: Your Burning Questions Answered (with a Michigander Twist)
How to tell if your neighbor is in a cult? Easy: If they stop complaining about the potholes and start praising them as a "test of character," you might have a problem.
How to politely decline a cult invitation? "Sorry, gotta wash my pasties. Super important mitten-related tradition." They'll be too confused to argue.
How to escape a cult in Michigan? Head for the nearest Vernor's stand. The cult members won't follow (they can't handle the ginger ale). Freedom awaits!
How to start your own cult in Michigan? Look, this isn't a "how-to" guide. But if you must, make sure your cult has good snacks. Nobody likes a hangry cult member.
How many questions can fit in a cult FAQ section? Apparently, at least five. You're welcome, Michigan.
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