The Survival Guide to Melbourne's Shady Social Clubs (Don't worry, it's mostly tongue-in-cheek)
So you're thinking of moving to Melbourne, the cultural capital of Australia? Fantastic choice! Great coffee, amazing laneways, and...a thriving gang scene? Hold on there, partner, let's not get ahead of ourselves. While Melbourne might have a bit of a reputation (thanks, TV shows!), it's not exactly Gotham City.
However, there are definitely some groups you might encounter that could be loosely classified as "gangs." But fear not, most of them are more likely to be arguing about the best brunch spot than turf wars.
The Rival Crews: More Like Coffee Connoisseurs?
The Activewear Army: Easily identified by their matching Lululemon outfits and an unwavering dedication to downward-facing dog. Their turf? Every yoga studio and brunch spot within a 5km radius. Be warned: getting a table at their favourite cafe can be a battle royale.
The Fitzroy Fanatics: A motley crew of artists, musicians, and baristas who practically live in the trendy inner-city suburb. Their main rivalry? Who can come up with the most obscure band name.
The Collingwood Diehards: A passionate bunch fiercely loyal to their beloved Collingwood Football Club. Don't dare mention another team within their earshot, unless you fancy a spirited (and slightly tipsy) debate.
The Real Deal (Kind Of)
Now, away from the lighthearted stuff, there are some less savoury groups operating in Melbourne. But fret not, these guys are a far cry from Hollywood gangsters.
The Discount Detectives: These "specialists" mostly deal in dodgy DVDs and expired discount coupons. Their greatest fear? A Myer sale with actual discounts.
The Magpie Mafia: These black and white bandits are notorious for swooping down and stealing your lunch. Pro tip: Carry a decoy snag to appease the ravenous fiends.
Important Note: While these depictions are humorous, Melbourne has law enforcement who take gang activity seriously. If you ever feel unsafe, don't hesitate to contact the authorities.
FAQ: How to Avoid Getting Mixed Up in Melbourne's "Gangs"
- How to survive a brunch battle with the Activewear Army? - Bring your A-game smile and be prepared to compliment their downward-dog form.
- How to avoid an argument with a Fitzroy Fanatic? - Just nod enthusiastically when they mention their band. You don't actually need to know who "The Existential Dread Polka Dots" are.
- How to handle a chat with a Collingwood Diehard? - Pretend to be a passionate fan (even if you have no idea what AFL is). Escape route: loudly proclaim your love for meat pies.
- How to stop the Discount Detectives from selling you a fake Rolex? - Maintain eye contact and walk away briskly while muttering, "I only buy ethically sourced timepieces."
- How to avoid the Magpie Mafia? - Carry a sacrificial pastry. Seriously, they're relentless.
