So You Fancy a Trip to Diddly Squat, Eh? A Guide for the Intrepid Londoner
Ah, the allure of Diddly Squat Farm Shop. The promise of locally-sourced delights, perhaps a glimpse of Jeremy Clarkson muttering under his breath, and the fresh air of the countryside (hopefully not tainted by any unfortunate sheep incidents). But for a Londoner, the question arises: how on earth do I get there? Fear not, fellow city slicker, for this guide will be your trusty compass on the road (or train, or bus...) to Diddly Squat.
Option 1: The Chariot of Fire (Car)
Pros: Freedom of the open road, crank up the Clarkson classics (optional but highly encouraged), make a pitstop at a quaint pub for a cheeky pint (highly encouraged). Cons: London traffic is a nightmare (and Jeremy would definitely moan about it), parking at Diddly Squat might be interesting (remember all those Clarkson-wrangled sheep?), petrol prices are about as high as Kaleb's enthusiasm for spreadsheets.
Top Tip: Pack a Sat Nav that isn't afraid to take the "scenic route" (because let's face it, getting lost might be half the fun).
Option 2: The Iron Horse (Train)
Pros: Sit back, relax, and avoid the M25 traffic snarl. Maybe catch up on some reading (avoid agricultural magazines, they might make you feel inadequate). Cons: You might need to change trains at some point (which could involve a thrilling dash across platforms with your Primark bag), the closest station isn't exactly on the Diddly Squat doorstep (a taxi or a bracing walk awaits).
Top Tip: Pack some travel snacks for the journey, just in case the onboard offerings are a bit...rustic (no guarantee there'll be any delicious Hayley's brownies on this train).
Option 3: The Boris Bus (Coach)
Pros: Super budget-friendly, a chance to meet some interesting characters (hopefully not Gerald), you can kick back and enjoy the view (just don't get hypnotized by endless fields of cows). Cons: The journey might take a while (perfect for catching up on your Clarkson farm boxset!), comforts might be...basic (don't expect a complimentary beverage service).
Top Tip: Bring a good book or some downloaded entertainment, because those in-between-town stretches can get a bit long.
Remember: No matter which option you choose, pack for the British weather (it can change faster than Clarkson's opinions on combine harvesters).
FAQs: Diddly Squat Farm Shop Pilgrimage Edition
How to sound like a Clarkson fan at Diddly Squat?
A well-placed "In the how now brown cow?" or a hearty "Faff off!" will do the trick.
How to avoid ending up on Clarkson's Instagram for bad parking?
Park like a pro, people. Don't block the road, don't park on the grass, and for the love of all things agricultural, don't park in the cow field.
How to deal with potential sheep-related shenanigans?
Respect the sheep. Admire them from afar. Do not attempt to wrestle them (trust us, you'll lose).
How much fresh air is too much fresh air?
There's no such thing! Breathe deep, city dwellers, this is what oxygen is supposed to feel like.
How to score a selfie with Kaleb?
Be polite, don't be a nuisance, and who knows, you might just get lucky! (But don't be offended if he's busy wrangling cows.)
