So You Think You've Seen a Tourist in London? A Field Guide for the Slightly Cynical Londoner
Ah, London. A glorious mishmash of history, culture, and enough pigeons to rival a Hitchcock film. But amidst the red buses and black cabs, a special breed roams the streets: the tourist. Now, there's no shame in tourism (we all gotta start somewhere!), but for the seasoned Londoner, spotting a tourist is a bit of a sport. Here's your handy guide to navigating the delightful chaos of tourist identification.
Exhibit A: The Map Marauder
This lost soul clutches a crumpled map, perpetually furrowed in brow-furrowing concentration. They'll block entire pavements (sidewalks) with their indecisiveness, oblivious to the growing throng of muttering locals behind them. Keep an ear out for the tell-tale phrases: "Is this the right way to Buckingham Palace?" or the ever-classic, "Excuse me, are you British?" (We may not wear top hats and monocles every day, but a hint of suspicion is warranted).
Sub-species: The Selfie Stick Samurai
A close cousin of the Map Marauder, this tourist wields a selfie stick like a knight's lance. They'll contort themselves into impossible positions to capture the perfect photo in front of any vaguely historical landmark (a lamppost, anyone?). Bonus points if they manage to whack a fellow tourist in the head with their selfie stick in the process.
Exhibit B: The Public Transport Paradox
Public transport in London is an experience, to say the least. Tourists fall into two distinct categories here:
- The Tube Tyro: Wide-eyed and bewildered, they stare blankly at the Tube map, a labyrinth more confusing than the Minotaur's maze. They'll stand on the wrong side of the escalator, causing a ripple effect of annoyance throughout the station.
- The Bus Barrister: They approach the bus stop with the unwavering confidence of a seasoned barrister. But alas, their attempt to board a double-decker bus while juggling a suitcase, backpack, and a wailing toddler often ends in mild chaos (and possibly a dropped Primark bag).
Exhibit C: The Souvenir Specialist
Ah, the souvenir shops. A treasure trove of questionable taste and questionable quality. This tourist is easily identified by their bulging shopping bags overflowing with "I <3 London" t-shirts and plastic replicas of Big Ben. They'll be the ones struggling to hail a black cab with their armful of inflatable crowns and glow-in-the-dark keychains.
Important Note: Please try not to be too harsh on our tourist friends. After all, they're the ones keeping the gift shops afloat and the pigeons well-fed. Besides, a little tourist spotting can be a delightful pastime on a rainy London afternoon.
How-To FAQ for the Aspiring Tourist Spotter
How to tell if someone's a tourist by their clothes?
There's no foolproof uniform, but an abundance of khaki, fanny packs (hip packs for you youngsters), and sensible shoes is a giveaway.
How to identify a tourist by their accent?
Any accent that isn't a London accent (which, let's be honest, can be a challenge to decipher itself) is a good starting point.
How to spot a tourist by their food choices?
While there's nothing wrong with a fish and chips fix, tourists with bewildered expressions outside a pie and mash shop are a good bet.
How to know if someone's a tourist by their behavior?
Taking photos of pigeons (unless they're wearing a tiny Union Jack hat, that's dedication) is a telltale sign.
How to be a good tourist in London?
Do your research, respect the queues (lines), and try not to block the pavements. Most importantly, embrace the chaos and enjoy your stay!
