So You Think You Want to Be King? How England Picked its Top Dog (Without Reality TV)
Ah, England. Land of crumpets, queuing, and of course, the ever-popular royal family. But how did this whole shebang even begin? Who was the first bloke to strut around in a fancy robe and call himself King of England? Well, buckle up, my liege (or should I say, my future fast-food worker?), because we're diving into the hilarious history of how England picked its number one.
Not Exactly "The X Factor": The Anglo-Saxon Shuffle
Back in the groovy 10th century, England wasn't quite the united kingdom it is today. It was more like a collection of bickering bands, each with its own lead singer (or should we say, king?). Wessex, the most powerful of the bunch, was the one with the real rockstar – Alfred the Great. Now, Alfred wasn't exactly planning a royal retirement home. He wanted his bloodline to keep the crown, but things weren't that simple.
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Enter the Witan: a fancy word for a bunch of important dudes (no women, sorry ladies, it wasn't exactly girl power hour) who basically made the big decisions. They weren't exactly fans of "keeping up with the Kardashians" style inheritance. Their motto? The best man (or should we say, the most likely to win a bar brawl) gets the crown.
So, who got the mic (or rather, the crown)?
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This is where things get interesting. Alfred's son, Edward the Elder, wasn't exactly the picture of royal elegance. Think more "dad joke" teller than "slaying dragons" hero. But hey, the Witan liked what they saw in his leadership skills (and maybe his impressive beard). So, Edward became king, proving you don't need a six-pack to rule England (although it probably wouldn't have hurt).
The Grandson Gets Lucky: Enter Athelstan, the Not-So-Accidental King
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Edward's reign was, well, uneventful. But his grandson, Athelstan, was a different story. This guy was a master of self-promotion (think pre-historic PR whiz). He wasn't above a little politicking, shall we say. Athelstan convinced the Witan that he was the most qualified king, which probably involved a lot of mead-fueled speeches and promises of tax cuts (well, maybe not tax cuts, but definitely something involving mead).
And then... Athelstan became King of All the Angles and Saxons (That Sounded Cooler Than "King of England")
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Athelstan, with a little help from some strategic marriages and military victories, finally united most of England under his rule. He was the first to be crowned "King of the English" – basically the king of this whole crazy, tea-loving, queue-forming island.
So, there you have it! The not-so-glamorous, slightly mead-soaked story of how England picked its first king. No reality TV, no bloodthirsty battles (well, maybe a few), just a good old-fashioned dose of politicking and a sprinkle of family loyalty.
How-To FAQ for Wannabe Kings (and Queens!)
- How to Become King/Queen (the Easy Way): Be born into the royal family. Duh.
- How to Become King/Queen (the Slightly Harder Way): Marry into the royal family. But make sure they like you, or things could get messy (see: Henry VIII).
- How to Become King/Queen (the Nearly Impossible Way): Lead a glorious rebellion, overthrow the monarchy, and declare yourself ruler. Not recommended for the faint of heart (or those who like keeping their heads).
- How to Become King/Queen (the Absolutely Crazy Way): Invent a time machine, travel back to 10th century England, and convince the Witan you're the best person for the job. Just be prepared to explain what a "reality TV show" is.
- How to Become King/Queen (the Most Realistic Way): Brew a really good cup of tea, put your feet up, and enjoy a good Netflix documentary about the royals. After all, ruling a country is a lot of work. Who needs the stress?
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