So You Think You Want to Know What the Dead Know? Tales from a NYC Death Investigator (Who Talks to the Living)
Let's be honest, folks. Most people wouldn't describe death investigating as a laugh riot. But hey, that's where you're wrong. Sure, there's the occasional grumpy ghost haunting a tenement (turns out, even the afterlife has bad landlords) and the whole "facing mortality" thing can be a bit of a downer. But let me tell you, after two decades walking the not-so-sunny streets of New York City as a death investigator, I've learned more about life than a fortune cookie factory.
From Clueless Rookie to Macabre MacGyver
Now, I wasn't exactly Sherlock Holmes when I started. My first case involved a poor fella who choked on a particularly enthusiastic rendition of karaoke "Bohemian Rhapsody" (RIP, Tony, you beautiful ham). Let's just say differentiating "murder" from "" took some practice. But you learn fast on the job. You become a detective of the detritus, a connoisseur of chaos – because every scene tells a story, even the messy ones involving rogue squirrels and overflowing ashtrays (a surprisingly common combo).
The Good, the Bad, and the Stiff (Mostly Stiff)
The Good: You get to see the resilience of the human spirit. From families clinging to each other after a tragedy to the quiet heroism of first responders, there's a lot of love and strength in this city, even in the darkest corners. Plus, the job comes with a killer sense of dark humor. You gotta laugh a little, right? Otherwise, you'll end up talking to pigeons (although some of those pigeons seem pretty wise).
The Bad: Let's not sugarcoat it. Death can be ugly. There's violence, there's loneliness, there's the occasional unfortunate encounter with bodily fluids you never thought existed. But hey, that's life (and sometimes, un-life).
The Stiff (Mostly Stiff): Okay, the bodies. They're not exactly chatty (although some conspiracy theorists might disagree). But even in their stillness, they teach you about the fragility of life, the importance of living it to the fullest, and the fact that even the most successful businessman forgets his pants sometimes (true story, and a valuable lesson for all).
Life Lessons from the Land of the Departed:
- Cherish the little things: Like that extra slice of pizza or the fact you haven't tripped and fallen into a subway grate... yet.
- Don't sweat the small stuff: A fight with your neighbor over their opera-singing parakeet? Seems insignificant compared to, well, you know, death.
- Tell the people you love you love them: Because let's face it, you never know when you'll end up reenacting your favorite karaoke ballad a little too enthusiastically.
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So, there you have it. A glimpse into the not-so-average life of a NYC death investigator. It's not for everyone, but for those of us with a morbid sense of curiosity and a taste for the macabre, it's a crash course in life (and sometimes, how not to live it).
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FAQ: You Want This Job? Didn't Think So, But Here's What You Need Anyway:
How to become a Death Investigator: Strong stomach, good observation skills, and a degree in criminal justice or a related field are a good start.How to deal with death on a daily basis: Develop a healthy dose of gallows humor and a deep appreciation for takeout therapy.How to NOT get haunted by ghosts: Turns out, most "ghosts" are just faulty wiring or a case of mistaken identity (seriously, that pigeon had me going for a minute).How to NOT trip over bodies: Watch where you're walking, people. It's a surprisingly common rookie mistake.How to NOT take your work home with you: Leave the dead at work. Literally. Take up a relaxing hobby, like competitive thumb-twiddling or interpretive dance (highly recommend interpretive dance).
