King John: England's "Oops All Bad Decisions" Monarch
King John of England, bless his pointed little shoes, wasn't exactly your typical ruler. While other kings were busy building empires and jousting valiantly, John was over here losing land, upsetting everyone, and accidentally creating the foundation for British democracy. Let's delve into the gloriously messy reign of King John, a man who makes Richard Nixon look like a saint.
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| What Did King John Of England Do |
Land Loss: From Empire to "Slightly Damp Island"
John inherited a vast swathe of France, thanks to his swashbuckling dad, King Henry II. Unfortunately, John had all the strategic sense of a drunken squirrel. He managed to lose Normandy, the jewel in the French crown, to King Philip II of France. This wasn't your friendly game of Risk; John's epic fail meant England lost a ton of land and prestige. Historians are still baffled by his tactics, though some rumors point to a particularly nasty case of food poisoning clouding his judgment (wouldn't be the first time a bad burger led to a bad decision).
John's motto: "Me keepy land? More like me losey land!"
Tip: Take your time with each sentence.
Taxman John: The Original Robin Hood (in Reverse)
Needing cash to, you know, maybe win a war or two, John resorted to some truly horrendous tax schemes. He squeezed every penny out of the poor barons, who, unlike us, weren't big fans of having their pockets raided. This, naturally, led to a fair bit of grumbling, which John, being a great listener (not!), completely ignored.
Side note: John may have inadvertently inspired Robin Hood. Maybe the whole "steal from the rich, give to the poor" thing started as a coping mechanism for the barons?
Tip: Check back if you skimmed too fast.
The Magna Carta: John Gets Schooled by Angry Nobles
The barons eventually reached their "I'm done" moment and decided to take a stand. In 1215, they presented John with a little document called the Magna Carta, which basically said, "Hey John, maybe stop being a jerk and actually follow some laws?" John, ever the picture of cooperation, threw a tantrum worthy of a toddler. However, after a bit of a dust-up (and possibly the threat of a good wedgie), John signed the Magna Carta. This document, despite John's best efforts, turned out to be a pretty big deal. It limited the king's power and protected the rights of the barons (and eventually, everyone else).
John's legacy: The Magna Carta, a document he probably signed while muttering about lawyers and paperwork.
QuickTip: Every section builds on the last.
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So, what can we learn from King John?
King John's reign is a cautionary tale for leaders everywhere. Don't be a bully, listen to your people, and maybe invest in some anger management classes. Also, for the love of all that is good and decent, try not to lose a whole empire.
King John FAQ:
How to be a good king (according to literally everyone except John): Be fair, listen to your advisors, and avoid questionable tax schemes.
Tip: Reread if it feels confusing.
How to win a war (according to everyone except John): Don't anger your allies, have a decent battle plan, and maybe avoid questionable pre-battle meals.
How to deal with angry nobles (according to everyone except John): Listen to their concerns, try to find a compromise, and avoid throwing a tantrum.
How to not lose a bunch of land (according to everyone except John): Be a competent leader, don't anger your neighbors, and maybe invest in a decent map.
How to be remembered fondly by history (according to everyone except John): Don't be a jerk.
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