The Big Apple Daily: Friday, June 14th, 2024 Edition (Spicy with a chance of lawsuits)
Top Headlines:
NYC Department of Correction Gets Showered with Lawsuits (Again): Apparently, summer in New York isn't just hot because of the weather. Hundreds of lawsuits are piling up against the Department of Correction, with allegations of a not-so-sunny disposition towards inmates in juvenile facilities. This is getting to be a recurring theme, folks. Maybe they should try a pool party instead?
Queens Park Turns Nightmarish: 13-Year-Old Attacked - This one is a real heartbreaker. A young girl was allegedly attacked by a knife-wielding stranger in broad daylight. Reminder: NYC parks are usually a great place to people-watch, not become a horror movie character.
Supreme Court Says Bump Stocks are Bumpin' Back: In a decision that's sure to have everyone from soccer moms to sharpshooters buzzing, the Supreme Court has okayed bump stocks. Buckle up, America!
Flaming Fury on the Subway: Man Becomes Human Molotov Cocktail - Because why wait for rush hour traffic when you can create your own inferno on the subway? Luckily, it seems the burns were not life-threatening, but this is definitely a new low for weird subway encounters.
Public Toilets Get an App? Finally, NYC Catches Up to the Restroom Revolution! - In a move that will be celebrated by tourists and stressed-out locals alike, the city is building more public restrooms AND launching an app to find them. Now you can spend less time wandering the streets and more time enjoying that delicious street vendor hot dog (we all know where that's headed).
Bonus: Reality Show Alert: MAGA Merchandise Bus Crashes in NYC (No Injuries, Just Bruised Egos) - Seems even the universe is saying "pump the brakes" on this one.
How-To Fun for the Weekend:
- How to Avoid Becoming a Park Statistic: Stick to well-lit areas, don't walk alone after dark, and maybe carry a really loud whistle (bonus points for confetti).
- How to Navigate the Public Restroom App: Download the app, avoid five-star reviews (those are probably the fake ones), and pray the battery on your phone doesn't die at the most crucial moment.
- How to React to a Flaming Subway Passenger: Stay calm, move away slowly, and maybe offer them a water bottle (unless they look like they're about to throw it too).
- How to Celebrate the Return of Bump Stocks (if that's your thing): We recommend celebratory activities that don't involve actual firearms. Perhaps a nice game of paintball?
- How to Find the Nearest Public Restroom: Download the app, pray it works, and if all else fails, there's always a Starbucks (but be prepared to buy something).
Stay safe, stay cool, and avoid suspicious flames, New York!
