The Philadelphia Convention: Where Ben Franklin Almost Invented a Slave Dance Party (But Not Really)
The Philadelphia Convention of 1787: a gathering of the best minds America had to offer (except maybe for those who were busy inventing the deep fryer). They wrangled over how to run this new country, arguing about representation, taxes, and the all-you-can-eat cheese quota for government functions (okay, maybe not the cheese). But one issue threatened to derail the whole thing faster than you can say "parchment shortage": slavery.
The Great Compromise: A Three-Fifths of a Deal
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The big question was how to count slaves. Should they count as whole people, giving the South more power? Three-fifths of a person? A particularly grumpy mule? In the end, they landed on the three-fifths compromise, which basically said enslaved people were like furniture that could also pick cotton. It wasn't ideal, but hey, at least they didn't suggest using them as confetti (although that would have been a dramatic entrance for the new government).
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The Also-Rans: Rejected Ideas for Dealing with Slavery
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Now, the three-fifths compromise wasn't the only idea that got thrown around. Here are a few of the other, less-than-stellar suggestions:
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- The "We'll Get Around To It Eventually" Plan: This one involved kicking the can down the road for future generations. Basically, they were saying, "Hey, it's a hot topic right now, let's just...not talk about it and hope it solves itself by magically disappearing in a puff of logic?" Spoiler alert: it didn't.
- The "Slavery Olympics" Proposal: This one involved forcing enslaved people from different states to compete in athletic competitions. The winning state would get, well, something? It's unclear exactly what the prize was, but one can only assume it wasn't freedom. Thankfully, this nightmarish idea never got past the napkin stage.
- The "Ben Franklin's School of Happy Slaves" Scheme: Yes, you read that right. America's favorite inventor apparently thought happiness was the key to ending slavery. His plan involved teaching enslaved people to sing and dance, which might have been fun, but probably wouldn't have convinced anyone to give up free labor.
FAQs: How to Not Be Like the Philadelphia Convention on Slavery
- How to Talk About Difficult Issues? Honestly and openly, even if it's uncomfortable.
- How to Not Solve Problems? By ignoring them and hoping they magically disappear. This applies to everything from slavery to that pile of laundry in the corner.
- How to Not Treat People? As furniture, athletic props, or dancing machines.
- How to Guarantee a Bad Idea Won't Fly? Don't write it on a napkin.
- How to Make America Great? By working towards equality and justice for all.
So there you have it! The Philadelphia Convention's not-so-great ideas for dealing with slavery. Let's learn from their mistakes and strive to build a better future, one where everyone gets to, you know, be free.
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