The Big Apple Gets Baked: A Totally Unofficial Guide to a Not-So-Great Day in NYC
Let's face it, folks, nobody wants to think about the Big Apple getting turned into a Big Crater. But hey, knowledge is power, even if that knowledge involves glow-in-the-dark pigeons and a serious shortage of bagels. So, grab a non-mutagenic beverage and settle in as we explore the utterly delightful (not) topic of a nuclear detonation in New York City.
 |
| What Would Happen If New York City Was Nuked |
The Immediate Fallout (and We Don't Mean the Play)
First comes the boom. A blinding flash, a sound like a grumpy god hitting a snare drum, and then...buildings fold like origami. Those lucky enough to be vaporized instantly might even miss the whole "trying to outrun a fireball" thing.
But wait, there's more! The heatwave throws a legendary pool party, instantly tanning everyone within a few miles to a nice shade of "crispy critter." Those further out get treated to a dazzling light show, followed by a refreshing wave of super-heated wind that'll make your hairdo jealous of a tumbleweed.
QuickTip: Check if a section answers your question.
Oh, and the dust cloud? Yeah, that's gonna be a doozy. Welcome to the new normal: permanent twilight with a healthy dose of radioactive sprinkles.
The Joys of Long-Term Living (with Mutations!)
So, you somehow survived the initial blast? Congratulations! Now you get to play "Dodge the Radioactive Fallout!" This exciting game involves staying indoors for, oh, the next few decades. But hey, at least you'll have plenty of time to catch up on your Netflix queue (assuming the internet still works, which, spoiler alert: it probably doesn't).
Reminder: Take a short break if the post feels long.
Speaking of mutations! Those lucky enough to be bathed in radiation might develop some interesting new features. Think glowing eyes, an extra finger nobody asked for, or the ability to understand pigeons (although, let's be honest, who wants that?).
On the bright side, real estate prices in the city that never sleeps are about to take a nosedive. Although, with the whole "glowing-green-mutagenic-wasteland" thing, finding a decent realtor might be tricky.
Tip: Read the whole thing before forming an opinion.
 |
How to Survive a Nuclear Apocalypse in NYC (Because Why Not?)
Here are some helpful tips, entirely for entertainment purposes (because seriously, don't let this be your only survival guide):
How to: Find shelter? Head underground, duh! Subway tunnels, basements, anything that puts a good chunk of earth between you and the blast.
QuickTip: Repetition signals what matters most.
How to: Avoid radiation sickness? Stay inside and don't eat glowing mushrooms (seriously, don't do it). If you must go out, wear a mask and protective clothing (think post-apocalyptic fashion show).
How to: Deal with the mutant pigeons? This one's a mystery. Maybe try offering them stale bagels? Just a suggestion.
How to: Start over? Well, that depends on your new superpowers (see above). Telekinesis? Great for looting. Super speed? Excellent for fleeing mutant rats.
How to: Maintain a sense of humor? This might be the most important tip. Laughter is the best medicine, even in a radioactive wasteland (although, glowing laughter might attract unwanted attention. Use with caution).
 |
