Brace Your Beers, Melbourne: A Totally Unofficial Guide to Surviving a Rogue Wave
Let's face it, Melbourne loves a good beach day. But what if that day involved a surprise visit from a rogue wave the size of a skyscraper? Don't worry, tradies and tram-dodgers, this isn't a drill (although, maybe we should have one?). This is your friendly guide to navigating a tsunami in the most stylish city south of the equator.
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| What Would Happen If A Tsunami Hit Melbourne |
The Big Splash: When H2O Becomes OMG
So, how likely is this watery apocalypse anyway? Thankfully, not super likely. Melbourne faces a medium tsunami risk, which basically means it's more likely you'll get sunburnt forgetting the sunscreen (guilty!). But hey, preparation is key! Imagine the bragging rights: "Yeah, I surfed a tsunami, what's your claim to fame?"
What's the first sign? Unlike those sneaky Melbourne showers, a tsunami usually announces itself with a dramatic retreat of the ocean. Yes, the water will literally suck itself back, exposing the seabed like some kind of creepy magic trick. Don't be mesmerized - that's your cue to hightail it outta there faster than a tram dodging a cyclist.
Evacuation 101: Ditch the Flat White, Grab Your Nan
The wichtigste (that's German for 'most important') thing is to get to higher ground. Think hills, tall buildings - anything that puts some distance between you and the incoming wave. Don't waste time packing your entire hipster wardrobe - a sturdy pair of thongs (flip flops for you non-Aussies) and a sense of humor are all you really need.
Tip: Read aloud to improve understanding.
What about those stubborn relatives who refuse to leave their precious beachfront bungalow? Look, love them from afar in this situation. This is no time for a family squabble. Unless they have a particularly impressive oceanfront wine collection hidden in the basement - then maybe a quick negotiation is in order.
Surfing the Apocalypse: How NOT to Be a Hero (Seriously)
Here's the thing: unless you're Aquaman (and even then, maybe check with your insurance first), don't even think about surfing a tsunami. It's not a giant wave for epic hang ten action, it's a churning mass of debris and destruction. Just. Don't. Do. It.
Helping others is great, but don't turn into a hero with soggy sneakers. If you see someone struggling to evacuate, lend a hand if it's safe. But remember, you can't save everyone, and risking your own neck isn't helpful.
QuickTip: Read step by step, not all at once.
Aftermath: When the Wave Recedes (and Hopefully Takes Your Ex with It)
Once the danger has passed, stay tuned to the radio for updates. Don't wander back to the beach to see what treasures the tsunami left behind (unless it's a Hemsworth brother washed ashore, then by all means, investigate). There could be damaged buildings, electrical hazards, and who knows what kind of rogue sea creatures hitched a ride.
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Melbourne is a resilient city, and after a good clean-up and a collective sigh of relief, we'll probably be back to our brunches and complaining about the weather in no time.
Bonus! Maybe this whole tsunami thing will finally wash away that lingering disappointment from the 2011 Grand Final loss. We can only dream.
QuickTip: Read in order — context builds meaning.
Tsunami FAQ - Melbourne Style
How to evacuate: Don't walk, tram it (okay, maybe run this time).
How to find high ground: Think hills, not cafes (the coffee can wait).
How to help others: Lend a hand, but don't become a human sandbag.
QuickTip: Pause before scrolling further.
How to prepare: Pack light, but don't forget a sense of humor (it's Melbourne, we need it).
How to rebuild: Hopefully with better drainage this time (Melbourne puddles, anyone?).
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