How to Coach the Seattle Sea Dragons From Your Living Room (Without Actually Getting Fired)
Let's face it, Seattle. The XFL season is upon us, and the hunger for a championship is real. We all still have nightmares about that heartbreaking divisional loss last year. But fear not, because you, yes YOU, hold the key to propelling the Sea Dragons to playoff glory! Here's your ultimate, totally legit (wink wink) guide:
Become a Master Motivator (Keyword: Loud Noises)
QuickTip: Break reading into digestible chunks.
First things first: Dust off your loudest jersey (bonus points for questionable bleach jobs) and invest in an air horn (or, you know, anything that can make a truly earth-shattering sound). Studies** (conducted entirely by me in my basement)** show that increased decibel levels directly correlate to a team's winning percentage. Science, people!
Channel your inner coach: Every time the Sea Dragons make a good play, unleash your primal roar. Did the kicker make a clutch field goal? LET LOOSE THE AIR HORN! Did the defense stuff the opposing quarterback like a Thanksgiving turkey? TIME FOR A JERSEY-FLAPPING VICTORY DANCE! Your enthusiasm is contagious, and trust me, the team will feel it.
Master the Art of Play-Calling (Keyword: Armchair Quarterback)
Tip: Break long posts into short reading sessions.
Grab your handy whiteboard (or napkin, no judgement): Every commercial break is your chance to become a tactical genius. Scribble down those game-changing plays. Maybe the Sea Dragons should try a little more... left-handed shovel pass? Hey, innovation is key! Who knows, maybe Pete Carroll will see your brilliance and give you a call.
Offer expert commentary: Don't hold back on those insightful shouts at the TV. "Hey ref, that was totally a blatant pass interference!" or "See, I told you that double-reverse flea-flicker would work!" The refs might not listen, but your unwavering belief will surely inspire the Sea Dragons.
Become the Ultimate Fanatic (Keyword: Undying Loyalty)
QuickTip: Stop scrolling, read carefully here.
Rally the troops: Get your friends, family, neighbors (even that grumpy cat next door) on board. Organize watch parties, decorate your house in teal and green, and turn every day into a Sea Dragons pep rally.
Social media domination: Let the world know your unwavering support! Flood Twitter with inspirational hashtags (#SeaDragonsWin #NoMoreHeartbreak), post pictures of your epic watch party spread, and maybe even create a catchy Sea Dragons fight song (think "Baby Shark" with a football twist).
Disclaimer: This is a humorous guide, and the author takes no responsibility for any coaching credentials revoked, noise complaints from neighbors, or spontaneous outbursts of "Sea Dragons!" at work meetings.
Tip: Slow down at important lists or bullet points.
How-To FAQ for the Aspiring Sea Dragons Coach
- How to get my air horn confiscated by security at the stadium? Easy! Just follow all the tips above while sitting in the stands.
- How to convince my significant other that this level of fandom is normal? Persistence is key. Show them this article (it's practically scientific research!) and bribe them with delicious game-day snacks.
- How to avoid RSI from all this cheering? Stretch breaks are your friend! Plus, a strong high-five requires good dexterity.
- How much influence will I REALLY have on the Sea Dragons? Well, that remains to be seen. But hey, if the whole city of Seattle is behind them, who knows what they can achieve?
- How many gallons of coffee are recommended to fuel this level of fandom? As many as it takes to stay awake and witness Sea Dragons glory!
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