The Boston Bomber's Rocky Road to Death Row: A Hilarious** (Maybe Not That Hilarious) Look at Bureaucracy Gone Wild
So, you're curious about how the Boston Marathon bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, ended up on the government's not-so-exclusive "people we really don't want hanging around anymore" list? Buckle up, because this bureaucratic rollercoaster is more twisty than a pretzel dipped in taffy.
The Crime: A Boom With No Boom-Chika-Wow
In 2013, Tsarnaev and his brother, Tamerlan (RIP, courtesy of a police shootout), decided to liven up the Boston Marathon with a couple of homemade pressure cooker bombs. Not exactly the sportsmanship award winners, were they? Three people died, and hundreds were injured. Needless to say, the feds were not amused.
**The Trial: **You Be the Judge (and Jury, and Chef, Apparently)
QuickTip: Look for patterns as you read.
Tsarnaev was found guilty on 30 whopping counts, including things that would make your grandma faint (like "use of a weapon of mass destruction"). This meant he was eligible for the death penalty, which is where things get interesting. Now, Massachusetts, where the whole shebang happened, has ditched the death penalty faster than a politician switching sides. But guess what? Federal court has its own set of rules, and those rules said "capital punishment, anyone?"
The Penalty Phase: More Drama Than a Reality TV Show
So, the trial to decide between life in prison (complete with three hots and a cot) or a dirt nap was on. Here's where things get a little, well, messy. The jury decided Tsarnaev deserved the death penalty, but then a whole kerfuffle arose about whether some jurors had been influenced by all the media coverage. Cue the lawyers! Appeals were filed, judges argued, and the case went all the way to the Supreme Court, who eventually said, "Nope, the jury's decision stands."
Tip: Read in a quiet space for focus.
The Current Situation: Still on Hold (with a Side of Bureaucracy)
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As of today, July 12, 2024, Tsarnaev is still chilling on death row. There are some more legal hoops to jump through, and there's also a whole federal execution moratorium in place. So, it's safe to say Tsarnaev might be waiting a while for his final curtain call.
How-To FAQ on Capital Punishment (Because Apparently You Asked)
QuickTip: Skim the intro, then dive deeper.
How to Avoid Getting the Death Penalty: Maybe don't blow things up in public places? Just a suggestion.
How to Get on a Jury (Death Penalty Case Not Included): Look for jury duty summons in the mail. Don't worry, it's way less exciting than this case.
How to Become a Lawyer (and Argue Supreme Court Cases): Lots of school, very little sleep.
Tip: Reading twice doubles clarity.
How to Get the Government to Do Something Quickly: This one is a mystery. We're still waiting on an answer.
How to Make Your Own Pressure Cooker (But for Cooking Delicious Food): There are much better uses for these handy kitchen gadgets. Look up recipes online, not bomb-making instructions. Seriously.
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