How Do the Chicago Bears Make the Playoffs? A Guide for the Hopeful
So, you're a Bears fan. God bless your soul. You’ve witnessed the highs of Walter Payton and the lows of...well, let's not dwell on the lows. But here’s the burning question: How do the Chicago Bears actually make the playoffs?
Step 1: Discover Time Travel
Let's be honest, the most efficient way to see the Bears in the playoffs is to hop in a DeLorean, set the coordinates for the 1985 Super Bowl Shuffle, and enjoy the show. If that's not an option, we'll need a backup plan.
Step 2: Develop a Winning Formula (Or Just Steal One)
The Bears need to find a winning formula. I know, groundbreaking stuff. It could involve anything from drafting a quarterback who can actually throw a spiral to hiring a coach who knows what a first down is. Or, you know, they could just steal the Patriots' playbook. We’re not picky.
Step 3: Pray to the Football Gods
Every Bears fan knows the importance of higher powers in this equation. Offer sacrifices of deep dish pizza and endless hours of watching bad Bears games. Maybe, just maybe, the football gods will take pity on us.
Step 4: Hope the Rest of the NFC North is Mediocre
This is a realistic goal, right? If the Packers, Lions, and Vikings can all implode simultaneously, the Bears might sneak into the playoffs. Hey, it’s happened before, right? Right?
Step 5: Embrace the Wildcard
If all else fails, there's always the wildcard. It’s like winning the lottery, but with less money and more disappointment. But hey, at least there's a chance!
Important Note: While these steps are not guaranteed to work, they're definitely more entertaining than watching another season of Bears football and wondering what could have been.
How To... Questions for the Desperate Bears Fan
- How to avoid becoming a therapist for Bears fans during the season? Answer: Learn to say, "It's just a game."
- How to survive a Bears tailgate without freezing to death? Answer: Layer up and bring plenty of alcohol.
- How to maintain hope as a Bears fan? Answer: Short-term memory is your friend.
- How to explain to your children why the Bears never win? Answer: Tell them it's a character-building experience.
- How to find a hobby that doesn't involve constant heartbreak? Answer: Anything but football.
