The Great Portland Protest Headcount: A Statistical Safari (Mostly Jokes, Promise)
Ah yes, the Portland protests. A symphony of chants, a ballet of tear gas canisters, and a question that's been burning brighter than a molotov cocktail: how many people actually bit the dust? Fear not, intrepid internet explorer, for we shall embark on a hilarious (mostly) journey to unravel this mystery.
Counting Sheep vs. Counting Protesters Who Didn't Make It
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There's a reason why counting sheep works so well for insomniacs. Numbers are neat, orderly things. Protests, on the other hand, are a glorious mess of passionate people, some with questionable aim when it comes to throwing things. So, pinning down an exact body count is about as easy as wrangling a particularly grumpy badger.
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That being said, reputable sources like the Oregonian haven't reported any fatalities directly linked to the protests. Does that mean nobody got a boo-boo? Absolutely not! People trip, tempers flare, and sometimes you just gotta yeet a milkshake at a particularly smug-looking bystander (though we strongly advise against that last one).
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The Rumor Mill: Where Facts Go to Die a Disco Death
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The internet, bless its chaotic heart, is a breeding ground for rumors. So, it's no surprise that whispers of a body count apocalypse swirled around the Portland protests. But fear not, these were likely the result of overzealous speculation and a healthy dose of social media sensationalism.
Here's the TL;DR: Nobody died during the protests (thankfully). There were injuries, sure, but nothing that a good dose of ice and maybe a participation trophy couldn't fix.
How To: Fun with Portland Protests (Disclaimer: Don't Actually Do Any of These)
- How to Throw a Protest Like a Boss: Gather your most stylish athleisure wear, a witty protest sign (think puns, people!), and a healthy dose of outrage. Bonus points for a megaphone and questionable fashion choices.
- How to Avoid Getting Pepper Sprayed: Here's a crazy thought: maybe don't throw things at the police? Also, standing behind a giant inflatable ducky might offer some tactical cover (don't ask, it's a Portland thing).
- How to Diffuse a Tense Situation: Offer a free kombucha to everyone involved. Trust us, this will confuse them enough to de-escalate things.
- How to Make Friends with the Police Horse: This is a trick question. You can't. Just admire its majestic mane from a safe distance.
- How to Leave a Protest Feeling Empowered: High five your fellow protestors, bask in the afterglow of righteous anger, and maybe grab a delicious post-protest vegan donut.
Remember, folks, protests are a vital part of a healthy democracy. But safety first, always! And hey, if you do find yourself counting sheep to fall asleep after a long day of advocating for change, well, that's just par for the course.
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