The Baltimore Bridge Fiasco: A Not-So-Funny Collapse (But We'll Try Anyway)
Ah, the Baltimore bridge collapse of March 26th, 2024. A dark day for infrastructure, a glorious day for no one else (except maybe the crabs who enjoyed an unexpected buffet of bridge parts). But before we get all morbid, let's talk about the body count...with some lighthearted humor, of course. It's how Baltimore would want it, right?
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| How Many People Died When The Baltimore Bridge Collapsed |
The Bridge Goes Bye-Bye: A Tragicomedy in Three Acts
Act 1: The Ship Happens
A runaway cargo ship with a steering wheel more stubborn than a toddler decides to play bumper cars with the Francis Scott Key Bridge. The bridge, never one for dodgeball, folds like a lawn chair under the pressure.
Act 2: Splash!
Eight construction workers (because of course there would be construction happening at 1:28 am) find themselves taking an involuntary dip in the Patapsco River. Let's just say it wasn't on their bucket list.
Tip: The middle often holds the main point.
Act 3: The Sobering Finale
Sadly, not everyone makes it out of the drink. Six brave souls are lost in the watery depths, a somber reminder that even bridges can have bad days.
Wait, wasn't there a happy ending?
Well, two construction workers did manage to snag a life preserver and become unlikely heroes (or at least the guys who get free crab cakes for life). So, there's that.
Tip: Make mental notes as you go.
How Many People Fell Victim to this Flawed Freitag? (That's "Friday" in German, for those who failed high school history)
The official body count stands at six. R.I.P to those who went down with the ship...err, bridge.
Frequently Asked Questions (Because We Know You Have Them)
How to avoid a watery demise due to bridge collapse?
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Maybe don't be a construction worker on a major bridge at 1:28 am. Just a hunch.
How to properly dispose of a rogue cargo ship?
QuickTip: Reading carefully once is better than rushing twice.
Giant magnets? Asking for a friend (the Port of Baltimore).
How to mourn a bridge?
Leave flowers by the riverbank (avoid rogue crabs).
How to rebuild a bridge?
QuickTip: Read line by line if it’s complex.
Step 1: Hire competent engineers. Step 2: Don't skimp on materials. Step 3: Hope cargo ships develop better manners.
How to make light of a tragedy?
Carefully. This post is a prime example of how it can backfire spectacularly.
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