So, You've Been Done Wrong in Portland: A (Hopefully Not Too Serious) Guide to Filing a Police Report
Let's face it, nobody wakes up hoping to file a police report. But hey, if some misfortune has befallen you in the City of Roses, don't worry, we're here to help you navigate the (hopefully not too) thorny process.
 |
| How To File A Police Report In Portland Oregon |
First Things First: Chill Out (Like a Glass of Willamette Valley Pinot)
Look, getting robbed, scammed, or vandalized is no laughing matter. But freaking out won't un-steal your bike (though a good dose of righteous anger might make the perp nervous). Take a deep breath, grab a Voodoo Donut (because who reports crime on an empty stomach?), and let's get this report filed.
Phoning It In: Dialing for Justice (Without the Annoying Hold Music)
Portland doesn't currently offer online police reports for most crimes (those darn cyber-criminals are keeping the IT department busy). So, you've got two options:
- For emergencies or crimes in progress: Dial 9-1-1. This one's a no-brainer.
- For non-emergencies: Call the Portland Police Bureau's non-emergency line at 503-823-3333. Be prepared to answer some questions about what happened, but unless you're reporting a Bigfoot sighting, you shouldn't be on hold for hours.
Super Important Side Note: If your car was stolen or you were in a car crash (not a hit-and-run, those can be reported online), you can actually skip the phone call and head straight to
QuickTip: Pay attention to first and last sentences.
The Art of the Report: From Witness to Wordsmyth
When you get a real police officer (or, more likely, a very nice dispatcher) on the line, be prepared to share your story. The more details you can give, the better. Here's your chance to channel your inner Sherlock Holmes:
- When and where did it happen? (Extra points for remembering the exact shade of the getaway van.)
- What exactly happened? (Theatrics encouraged, but stick to the facts, mostly.)
- Did you see the suspect? (If so, describing their unfortunate haircut is always helpful.)
- Do you have any evidence? (Receipt, security footage, that weird button you found at the crime scene... all helpful!)
Remember: The more information you provide, the easier it is for the police to crack the case (and maybe even get your fixie back).
FAQ: Filing Like a Filer
How to know if I should file a police report?
QuickTip: Ask yourself what the author is trying to say.
If a crime has been committed against you, it's always best to report it. Even if the police can't recover your missing socks, a report helps them track crime trends.
How long will it take to file a report?
 |
For non-emergencies, expect the call to take 15-30 minutes, depending on the details of your case.
Tip: Don’t just scroll — pause and absorb.
What if I don't speak English fluently?
Portland PD has interpreters available. Just let them know when you call.
Do I need a lawyer to file a report?
Tip: Don’t skim past key examples.
Nope, you can file a report yourself.
Should I bring snacks?
Probably not, but hey, if it's a long story and you need sustenance, go for it (just avoid bringing any Voodoo Donuts as evidence... they might be a little worse for wear by the time the cops get around to it).
 |
