So, You Want to Own the Atlanta Braves? A Fool's Guide
Let's get one thing straight: owning a Major League Baseball team isn’t like owning a goldfish. You can’t just buy it at your local pet store and feed it some flakes. No, this is a big-league endeavor that requires deep pockets, a thick skin, and a questionable amount of free time.
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| How To Own The Atlanta Braves |
Step 1: Acquire a Mountain of Money
This is the most crucial step, and unfortunately, the one I can’t help you with. You’ll need a pile of cash that's taller than Freddie Freeman (and that's saying something). You might want to consider robbing a bank, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Legal means are always preferable, like winning the lottery or discovering a previously unknown oil field in your backyard.
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Step 2: Understand Baseball (Or Hire Someone Who Does)
While it’s not strictly necessary to know the difference between a slider and a curveball, it helps. You'll need to understand player contracts, salary caps, and the subtle art of negotiating with agents who could make a used car salesman seem like a saint. If you're clueless, hire a general manager who knows their stuff. Just remember, they're expensive too.
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Step 3: Build a Fanbase (Or Buy One)
You can't have a baseball team without fans. You could try winning a bunch of World Series, but that takes time and money (see Step 1). Or, you could hire a really good marketing team to create a catchy slogan and mascot. Something like, “The Atlanta Avocadoes: We’re Gonna Smash It!”
Note: Skipping ahead? Don’t miss the middle sections.
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Step 4: Deal with the Media
Prepare to be scrutinized more closely than a politician's tax returns. Every move you make, every decision you make, will be analyzed and criticized. You’ll need a thick skin and a good publicist. Or, you could just hide in a bunker and let your PR team handle it.
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Step 5: Enjoy the Ride (Or Not)
Owning a baseball team is a rollercoaster. There will be highs (winning the World Series) and lows (losing 100 games). There will be pressure, stress, and sleepless nights. But hey, at least you’ll have a really nice box at the stadium.
Important Note: Owning a baseball team is not for the faint of heart. It’s a massive undertaking that requires a significant investment of time, money, and emotional energy. If you're still interested after reading this, you might be crazier than I thought.
How to...
- How to buy a baseball team? Find a billionaire friend.
- How to deal with a losing season? Hire a new manager and blame the previous one.
- How to increase attendance? Lower ticket prices (or hope for a miracle).
- How to handle a player trade? Consult with your general manager and hope the fans don’t riot.
- How to enjoy the perks of ownership? Hire a personal assistant to schedule your yacht parties.
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