The Great Boston Tea Party (Eviction Notice Included): How a Hilly Hiccup Sent the British Packing
Remember that awkward moment when you overstayed your welcome at a friend's house? Well, multiply that by 11,000 grumpy redcoats and a very strategic hill, and you've got the British eviction from Boston in a nutshell. Here's the lowdown on how the scrappy Continental Army politely (with cannons) showed the British the door.
From Grumbling Colonists to Fort Kickass
After the Boston Tea Party (let's not rehash that whole "ruined tea" debacle), things were tense. The colonists, fed up with feeling like Britain's tea-guzzling doormats, decided to take a stand. Enter General George Washington, a man whose stare could curdle milk and whose dentures were rumored to double as weapons (probably not true, but it sounds cool). Washington rolled up to Boston with a ragtag bunch of colonists they called the Continental Army. Now, this wasn't exactly your average army. Some folks showed up with squirrel guns and pitchforks, but hey, the spirit was there!
The Not-So-Secret Weapon: High Ground and Heavy Metal
Tip: Skim only after you’ve read fully once.
The British were comfy cozy in Boston, figuring they could just chill out and sip tea (metaphorically, of course). But Washington wasn't about to let them have their Earl Grey and revolution-free day. His spies (probably some bored teenagers with good eavesdropping skills) discovered a weakness: Dorchester Heights, a sweet little hill overlooking Boston Harbor. Imagine the ultimate slingshot situation, only instead of pebbles, the colonists were gonna launch cannonballs.
Operation Sneak Attack: Building a Fort Undercover of Darkness (and a Lot of Noise)
Now, storming Dorchester Heights in broad daylight would have been a recipe for disaster. So, Washington hatched a plan that would make even ninjas jealous. On a dark and stormy night (cue dramatic music), a ragtag crew of colonists, led by the daring (and slightly insane) Henry Knox, snuck up the hill with cannons in tow. To mask the racket of construction, they had their buddies on the other side of town launch a very loud (and strategically pointless) bombardment of the British. It worked! By morning, the colonists had a mini-fort on the hill, ready to rain down cannon fire.
Tip: Read the whole thing before forming an opinion.
The British Take a Hike (Because No One Likes Getting Cannons Lobbed at Their Head)
The British weren't too thrilled to see a bunch of angry colonists with newfound artillery pointed right at them. General Howe, the head honcho of the British forces, took one look at the situation and said, "Nope!" He decided discretion was the better part of valor (and avoiding a rain of cannonballs), and set sail for Nova Scotia, taking his troops with him. On March 17, 1776, the colonists celebrated what they called Evacuation Day, which basically translates to "Hallelujah, those redcoats are finally gone!"
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How-To FAQ for Evicting Unwanted Guests (The Revolutionary Way, Not Recommended for Modern Times)
Tip: Reread if it feels confusing.
How to: Sneakily build a fort in your neighbor's yard.Don't bother: There's a reason building codes exist.
How to: Distract someone with a loud, pointless argument.Better option: Just talk to them like an adult.
How to: Use heavy artillery to convince someone to leave.Seriously, don't: There are better ways to resolve conflict (like pie. Everyone loves pie).
QuickTip: Pause at transitions — they signal new ideas.
How to: Celebrate evicting unwanted guests.Go for it! Throw a party, have a bonfire, write a sassy song about them – just be creative.
How to: Start a revolution.This is a very complex question. Maybe consult a history book first.
So there you have it! The story of how the Continental Army, with a little ingenuity and a whole lot of hilltop cannons, politely (sort of) showed the British the door. It wasn't exactly smooth sailing, but hey, it makes for a good story, right?
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