Buckle Up, Honolulu Blue Fans: A (Hopefully Unnecessary) Guide to a Potential Lions Loss
It's game day, Detroit! The Motor City's mightiest are roaring into Levi's Stadium tonight, ready to take on the San Francisco 49ers. But what if, just what if, things don't go according to plan? What if, the unthinkable happens, and our pride and joy suffers a setback?
Don't panic (yet). Take a deep breath, grab a Vernors, and let's explore this hypothetical scenario with a healthy dose of Lions-fan humor (because, let's be real, sometimes that's all we've got).
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| What If Detroit Lions Lose Tonight |
Stage 1: Denial
- You spend the first quarter glued to the TV, muttering, "It's just a slow start. They're feeling out the competition." (Narrator: They were not feeling out the competition.)
- Every questionable call by the refs is met with a passionate (and slightly hoarse) explanation of why it's blatantly wrong. ("They clearly saw Stafford's ghost there!")
Stage 2: Anger
- The jersey gets tossed. The coffee table gets a suspicious glare. Matthew Stafford posters are conspicuously absent from the walls.
- Social media becomes a warzone of CAPS LOCK rants and armchair quarterbacking. ("If they'd just run the ball more!")
Stage 3: Bargaining
- "Okay, okay, a loss is fine. But only if the Packers lose too." Desperate pleas are sent to the football gods (and Aaron Rodgers' disgruntled neighbors).
- Vague promises are made about future good deeds: "I'll wear Honolulu Blue every day for a month! I'll volunteer at a shelter for stray kneecaps!"
Stage 4: Depression
- You spend the rest of the night contemplating the existential dread of being a Lions fan.
- Comfort food consumption reaches critical levels. (Hello, Better Maid chips!)
- Barry Sanders highlights are your only solace.
Stage 5: Acceptance (Eventually)
- A glimmer of hope peeks through. Maybe next week? Maybe the playoffs are still a possibility?
- Memes are born, chronicling the highs and lows of the game. Laughter, the great healer, begins to mend the wounds.
Remember, Lions fans, we're a resilient bunch. We've been through worse (cough, cough, 0-16 season, cough). We'll weather this storm, together. But hey, just in case...
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How-To: Lions Loss Survival Guide - FAQ
Q: How to Cope with Denial?A: Embrace the delusion. It's a beautiful coping mechanism.
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Q: How to Channel Anger Productively?A: Take up a stress-relieving hobby like knitting (bonus points if you knit a tiny Honolulu Blue sweater).
Tip: Remember, the small details add value.
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Q: How to Ensure the Football Gods Hear My Bargains?A: Specificity is key. Offer to wash laundry or walk the dog for every Lions win.
Q: How to Find Humor in a Lions Loss?A: The internet is your friend. Dank memes and fellow fans' commiseration will lighten the mood.
Q: How to Prepare for Next Week's Game?A: Stock up on optimism, snacks, and maybe some antacids (just in case).
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