So You Wanna Talk About Philly Getting Nuked? Let's Not, But If We Must...
Alright, alright, settle down everyone. We all know the City of Brotherly Love wouldn't be top choice for a vacation spot during a nuclear apocalypse, but hey, here we are. Let's crack open a Tastykakes (RIP the bakery) and discuss the unthinkable.
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| What If A Nuke Hit Philadelphia |
The Big Boom: A Toast (with Radiation)
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First things first, the blast. Depending on the size of the nuke (think firecracker vs. Mount Vesuvius), Philly could be anything from a smoky crater to a vaguely irritated suburb of New Jersey. Remember, folks, distance is your friend! If you're outside the blast zone, you might just get a sweet tan... well, maybe not so sweet considering the whole radiation thing.
Fallout Friday: The Importance of Basement Buddies
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Now, for those unfortunate souls who weren't out grabbing a cheesesteak when the bomb dropped, it's time to become one with your basement. Stockpile that bottled water, folks, because the Schuylkill's gonna be glowing for a while. Think of it as a super-powered Mummers parade, but way less fun and way more likely to give you superpowers (probably cancer, but hey, maybe telekinesis?).
Apocalypse Appetizers: Hunting for Food in the Fallout
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Food's gonna be a challenge. Forget Geno's Steaks, it's time to become a post-apocalyptic hunter-gatherer. Radroaches might be the new cheesesteaks (don't recommend it), but canned goods are your best bet. Just remember, sharing is caring, unless you want to become Caesar's new best friend in the Hunger Games of Philly.
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The Great Cheesesteak Escape: Philly's Finest Flee
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Let's be honest, even the most die-hard Eagles fan would hightail it out of Philly after a nuke. The Jersey Shore might become prime real estate (sorry, Seaside Heights). Just watch out for those radioactive seagulls – they'll steal your Tastykakes right out of your picnic basket (if you can even find a picnic basket that hasn't turned to dust).
How Do We Prepare for This Existential Dread?
Look, let's face it, a nuclear apocalypse in Philly is about as likely as the Flyers winning the Stanley Cup (sorry, Flyers fans, it had to be said). But hey, knowledge is power! Here are some quick tips for surviving a (hopefully fictional) nuclear apocalypse:
How to Find Shelter: Basements are your BFFs.How to Stock Up: Canned goods, water, and maybe a radiation suit (just in case).How to Escape: Head west, young man (or woman)!How to Find Food: Canned goods again, and maybe learn some basic foraging skills (those squirrels won't know what hit them).How to Stay Positive: Remember, even a post-apocalyptic Philly has cheesesteak-shaped craters. That's gotta count for something, right?
So there you have it, folks. A light-hearted (because what else can you do?) look at a very not-so-light-hearted topic. Here's hoping we never have to put these tips to the test, and instead, we can just enjoy the cheesesteaks, the Mummers, and the fighting spirit that makes Philadelphia the great city it is. Just maybe with a little less existential dread hanging over our heads.
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