The Chronicles of Chicago's Classy (and Occasionally Claspy) Clubs: A Hilarious Hunt for Your Perfect Den
Ah, Chicago. City of wind, deep dish, and a social scene more labyrinthine than a jaywalker trying to dodge rush hour traffic. So you're looking to level up your leisure life with a private club membership, huh? Well, buckle up, my friend, because navigating these exclusive enclaves can be trickier than paralleling a Smart car in a snowstorm.
The Grand Poobahs: Where History Meets High Society
First on the docket, we have the big guns: The University Club, the Union League Club, and the Chicago Club. These are the institutions your grandpa probably waxes nostalgic about. Think gleaming mahogany, hushed conversations about stocks and bonds, and enough oil paintings to rival the Louvre. Pros: Prestige, legacy, and the chance to impress your parents by name-dropping (just be sure you're name-dropping the right names). Cons: Costlier than a private jet full of truffles, and about as welcoming as a bouncer at a club with a velvet rope.
The New Guard: Where Chic Meets..."Chequebook, Darling?"
Then there are the new kids on the block, the SoHo Houses and the Aviaries. Think trendy rooftop bars, buzzing co-working spaces, and an ambiance that screams "look at me, I'm young, I'm wealthy, and I have impeccable taste in throw pillows!" Pros: Cool factor that could melt glaciers, and a membership that's likely to include at least one person who looks like they could be on the cover of GQ. Cons: Price tag that could make your accountant cry, and a potential for feeling slightly out of place if you haven't memorized the latest art-house film or cryptocurrency trend.
QuickTip: Reread for hidden meaning.
The Wildcard Bunch: Where the Unexpected Awaits
Finally, there's the eclectic bunch: The Arts Club for the creative souls, the Cliff Dwellers for the journalism junkies, and the Saddle & Cycle Club for, well, people who really like cycling (and have a healthy bank account). Pros: Finding a community that shares your unique passions, and a chance to escape the standard club stereotype. Cons: These can be a bit more niche, so be prepared to discuss the finer points of abstract expressionism or the ethics of mountain bike trail construction.
So, How Do You Choose? A Totally Scientific Flowchart (Not Guaranteed to Be Accurate)
- Do you fancy a side of history with your martini? Head to the grand poobahs.
- Is your Instagram game on point and your wallet equally impressive? The new guard awaits.
- Do you have a killer beret and a burning desire to discuss Dostoyevsky? The Arts Club might be your haven.
- Can you quote Hemingway and outrun a pack of coyotes? The Cliff Dwellers might welcome you with open arms (or at least a notepad and pen).
- Do you live for lycra and have a serious case of wanderlust? Saddle & Cycle is your jam.
Tip: Reread complex ideas to fully understand them.
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How to FAQs:
How to land a membership in these exclusive joints?
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Good question! It usually involves a healthy dose of charm, a fat stack of cash, and a mysterious phone call from someone who knows someone (or a hefty donation, depending on the club).
How to deal with the application process?
Tip: Reading twice doubles clarity.
Think of it like your SATs for socializing. Be prepared to answer questions about your lineage, your net worth (without actually mentioning your net worth), and your favorite shade of paisley.
How to avoid looking completely out of place on your first visit?
Brush up on current events (unless you're at the Arts Club, then maybe bone up on some obscure French poetry). And a classic black tie or tasteful cocktail dress is always a safe bet.
How to make friends at the club?
QuickTip: Read again with fresh eyes.
Start with a self-deprecating joke and a genuine interest in others. Unless you're at the Chicago Club, then just radiate an aura of importance and eventually, someone will strike up a conversation (probably about money).
How to survive the social minefield of a private club?
Just remember, everyone has a skeleton in their closet (even if it's a designer skeleton). Be polite, keep the gossip to a minimum, and for the love of all that is holy, never mention politics or religion.
So there you have it, folks! Your crash course on navigating the glamorous, occasionally intimidating world of Chicago's private clubs. Now go forth and network, socialize, and maybe even sip on a martini or two (but don't forget to tip the bartender, even
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