Downtown Portland: City of Roses... and Perhaps Currently Burning Things?
Ah, Portland. The land of quirky coffee shops, artisanal cheese samplers, and... uh oh, is that smoke I smell?
Yes folks, the question on everyone's mind (besides "where can I get the best vegan brunch?") seems to be: what exactly is setting our fair city ablaze this time?
Fear not, fellow citizens! Here at the Department of Unsubstantiated Rumors and Slightly Exaggerated News (D.U.R.S.E.N. for short, because brevity is not our strong suit), we've got you covered.
Tip: Take a sip of water, then continue fresh.
Breaking News (from 2 weeks ago): A rogue kombucha geyser was reported spewing forth a delightful-smelling-yet-highly-flammable beverage near the Saturday Market. Luckily, a team of valiant baristas, armed with oat milk and a baguette, managed to extinguish the fiery fountain before it could reach a nearby tie-dye stall.
Hold on a sec, you say, that doesn't sound very likely. Well, you'd be right! Because, as it turns out, there aren't any current reports of major fires downtown.
Tip: Reading twice doubles clarity.
But hey, that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun, right? Here at D.U.R.S.E.N., we like to keep you on your toes.
What COULD be on fire downtown, you ask? Well, the possibilities are truly endless! Here's a quick brainstorming session:
Tip: Read actively — ask yourself questions as you go.
- A flock of overzealous pigeons with a penchant for flamethrowers (don't ask, it's a long story).
- A spontaneous combustion of the sheer amount of plaid flannel worn in a single square mile.
- A misplaced chili cook-off gone spectacularly wrong (because apparently spicier is always better, right?).
In all seriousness, if you see smoke or flames downtown, the best course of action is to:
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- Use your common sense. Don't stand there filming it for TikTok (unless it's the pigeon flamethrowers, that's social media gold right there).
- Evacuate the area if necessary.
- Call 911. Let the professionals handle the fire, that's what they're there for.
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| What is On Fire Downtown Portland |
D.U.R.S.E.N.'s Frequently Flammable FAQs
How to Escape a Burning Building: Don't panic! Head for the nearest exit, stay low to the ground, and be sure to grab your favorite locally-sourced artisanal hand cream on the way out (priorities, people).
QuickTip: Ask yourself what the author is trying to say.
How to Put Out a Small Fire: Unless you're a trained firefighter, probably best to leave this one to the pros. But hey, if you have a handy fire extinguisher lying around (because who doesn't?), more power to you.
How to Tell the Difference Between a Real Fire and a Really Enthusiastic Vape Session: This one can be tricky. Look for signs of actual flames and avoid the urge to yell "vape nation!" in a crowded street.
How to Prevent Fires Caused by Rogue Kombucha Geysers: Invest in a good quality spigot. Trust us, it's worth it.
How to Stop Pigeons from Getting Their Talons on Flamethrowers: This one is beyond our expertise. Maybe try offering them some birdseed-flavored kale chips? We're spitballing here.
So there you have it, folks. The latest (or perhaps not-so-latest) on the downtown fire front. Remember, stay safe, stay informed, and if you see anything remotely resembling a pigeon wielding a miniature flamethrower, run! But seriously, firefighters are the real heroes here.
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