The Big House Blues: A Not-So-Official Guide to Denver's Jails
So you (or perhaps a buddy of yours) ended up in the Mile High City... but not exactly how you pictured it, huh? Don't worry, these things happen. Maybe you got a little too friendly with a stray Rocky Mountain bighorn sheep (they're surprisingly territorial), or perhaps your karaoke rendition of "I Will Survive" was a little too, well, survivable. Whatever the reason, you're looking at the lovely walls of a Denver jail.
But first things first, which jail are you gracing with your presence?
Denver, like most big cities, has a few options to choose from. Here's a rundown of the coolest (not really) places to stay:
- The Denver County Jail: This is your classic, no-frills jail experience. Think bunk beds, gruel for breakfast, and questionable plumbing. On the bright side, you might score some epic stories from your fellow inmates (just don't make eye contact while they're telling them).
- The Denver City Jail (also known as the Van Cise-Simonet Detention Center): This jail is a bit more... intimate. Think boutique jail, but with less, you know, boutique-y stuff.
Important Note: Jails in Denver are run by the Denver Sheriff Department, so if you're looking for a five-star experience with room service, you're barking up the wrong tree (although maybe that's what got you here in the first place?).
Tip: Reread sections you didn’t fully grasp.
Now You're In: What to Expect
Let's be honest, jail isn't a vacation. But hey, there might be free cable (although the channel selection is questionable at best). You'll likely get some exercise time (think shuffleboard, not SoulCycle), and maybe even some educational courses (like "How to Not Get Arrested Again 101").
Pro Tip: Be polite to the guards. Trust us, it'll make your stay a lot more pleasant (relatively speaking).
Tip: Compare what you read here with other sources.
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| What Jails Are In Denver Colorado |
FAQs: Jails in Denver, CO Edition
How to visit someone in jail?
Each jail has its own visiting hours and procedures. Check out the Denver Sheriff Department's website for the latest info:
How to bond someone out of jail?
QuickTip: Scan quickly, then go deeper where needed.
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You'll need to contact a bondsman. They'll post bail for a fee, so get ready to shell out some cash.
How to avoid jail altogether?
This might be the most important question! The best way to avoid jail is to, you know, follow the law. But hey, we all make mistakes.
Tip: Absorb, don’t just glance.
How to make the best of a bad situation?
Focus on the positive (like the fact you have a roof over your head, even if it's not the Ritz-Carlton). Use this time to reflect and make a plan for the future.
How to get a killer tan in jail?
Unfortunately, jail isn't exactly known for its luxurious amenities. So, the tan you might get is more "pale and institutional" than "beach babe."
There you have it! A not-so-helpful guide to Denver's jails. Remember, staying out of jail is always the best option, but if you do find yourself there, chin up, buttercup!
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