The Portland Plague (...Maybe): A Deep Dive into What Ails You
Hey there, fellow Portlanders! Feeling a bit under the weather? Like a rogue squirrel stole your sense of smell and replaced it with the vague existential dread of damp socks? Fear not, for you are not alone! A mysterious illness (or maybe it's just too many kombucha SCOBYs) seems to be making its rounds through the City of Roses. But fret not, dear reader, we're here to crack this medical mystery – with a healthy dose of humor, of course, because what else are face masks good for these days?
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| What Virus Is Going Around Portland |
Top Contenders for the Portland Plague Championship Belt
- The OG (Original Germinator): COVID-19 - This tenacious critter is still lurking around, so don't let down your guard! Symptoms can be a real guessing game, so if you're feeling off, best to isolate and test to be safe.
- The Summer Sniffles: It's summer, allergies run rampant, and sometimes a cold just wants to crash the party. Think runny nose, itchy eyes, and that low-key existential dread we mentioned earlier (it's a Portland thing, trust us).
- The Revenge of the Raw Carrot: Did you indulge a little too heavily at that vegan food cart? Foodborne illness is a possibility, though hopefully not a contender. Just remember, folks, there's a reason some things are cooked!
Important Note: This is not an exhaustive list, and we are not medical professionals (though we are very good at diagnosing ailments based on obscure internet quizzes). If you're truly concerned, please consult a doctor. They're the real heroes here, not us internet sleuths.
QuickTip: Scan the start and end of paragraphs.
How to Avoid Becoming a Plague Statistic (Besides Offering Sacrifices to the Voodoo Doughnut Gods)
- Wash those hands! Like, seriously, people. We've all seen that movie "Contagion," and it wasn't exactly a rom-com.
- Social distance high fives. It may look silly, but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures.
- Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! Water is your friend, people. Especially when your body is fighting off...well, whatever it's fighting off.
- Vitamin C like it's 1999. Maybe it doesn't cure everything, but it can't hurt, right? (Except for your taste buds if you take too many Emergen-C packets).
- Blame it on the cat. Classic move. They'll never know.
FAQ: How to Survive the Great Portland Plague (Maybe)
Q: How to tell if I have COVID or just a summer cold?A: If the answer involves a strong desire to binge-watch old sitcoms and eat questionable comfort food, it's probably a cold. If your taste in music suddenly leans way heavy towards whale sounds, get tested for COVID.
QuickTip: Let each idea sink in before moving on.
Q: How to avoid spreading the plague (or whatever it is)?A: Stay home if you're sick, cough or sneeze into your elbow (not your friend's face!), and disinfect like a mad scientist.
Tip: Take a sip of water, then continue fresh.
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Q: How to convince my roommates to stop hogging all the toilet paper?A: This one might be a lost cause. Maybe offer to barter kombucha SCOBYs for a roll or two?
QuickTip: Read actively, not passively.
Q: How to find a decent mask that doesn't make me look like a bank robber?A: Etsy is your friend. There are some truly amazing (and hilarious) options out there.
Q: How to maintain my mental health during this whole plague fiasco?A: Laughter is the best medicine (besides actual medicine). Read funny articles (like this one!), watch cat videos, and remember, we're all in this together. Even the squirrels.
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