Whales in Chicago: A Deep Dive into the Absurd
So, You Want to See a Whale in Chicago?
Let's get one thing straight: unless you're a time traveler who's accidentally stumbled into the Cretaceous period, there are no whales in Chicago. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "But I saw a documentary about a giant squid attacking a cruise ship in Lake Michigan!" Calm down, Jacques Cousteau wannabe. That was probably a particularly large catfish or a really good prank by the Chicago Park District.
The Shedd Aquarium: The Closest You'll Get
If you're dying to see a whale, your best bet is the Shedd Aquarium. They've got some pretty cool sea creatures there, including beluga whales. They're not quite the same as the majestic giants of the ocean, but they're as close as you're going to get without chartering a boat to Antarctica.
The Great Lakes Whale Conspiracy Theory
There are those who insist that there are, in fact, whales lurking in the depths of Lake Michigan. These people are probably the same ones who believe the Earth is flat and that aliens built the pyramids. But let's entertain this idea for a moment. If there were whales in Lake Michigan, they'd probably be the size of goldfish by now, thanks to the frigid water temperature. Plus, imagine the chaos! A whale breaching in the middle of Navy Pier would be quite the spectacle, but also a massive insurance nightmare.
How to Spot a Whale in Chicago (Spoiler: You Can't)
Just in case you're still holding out hope, here's a quick guide to whale-spotting in the Windy City:
- How to prepare for your whale-watching adventure: Invest in a good pair of scuba gear and a really big boat.
- How to identify a Chicago whale: Look for a creature that's part fish, part cow, and completely delusional.
- How to attract a whale to you: Start a deep-dish pizza stand in the middle of the lake.
- How to survive a whale encounter: Develop telepathy and convince the whale you're not tasty.
- How to cope with disappointment: Accept the reality that whales belong in oceans, not lakes.
So, there you have it. No whales in Chicago. Let's move on to something more realistic, like finding a parking spot downtown.