Texans: From Cellar Dwellers to Division Champs?
So, the Houston Texans. A team that’s been more synonymous with heartbreak than headlines. But hey, who's to say that can’t change? Let's dive into the realm of wishful thinking and explore some outlandish, yet theoretically possible, paths to division glory.
 |
| How Can The Houston Texans Win The Division |
Step 1: Clone J.J. Watt (or at least find his long-lost brother)
We all miss the bearded menace, don’t we? Imagine a defensive line with two Watt brothers? Or even three? It’s like having a trio of grizzly bears protecting your salmon stream. Okay, maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but you get the idea.
Tip: Skim only after you’ve read fully once.
Step 2: Develop a Time Machine (Optional)
If cloning Watt is too mainstream, why not take a page out of the Doctor Who playbook? Go back to 2012, snag Arian Foster in his prime, and drop him into the current roster. Just make sure not to accidentally bring back the ‘90s fashion.
Tip: Reread sections you didn’t fully grasp.
Step 3: Unleash the Inner Beast in C.J. Stroud
The kid has talent. We saw flashes of brilliance last season. But to truly dominate the division, he needs to channel his inner Patrick Mahomes. Or at least, his outer Patrick Mahomes. You know, the part that makes defenders look like they’re running in slow motion.
Tip: Take mental snapshots of important details.
 |
Step 4: Turn the Defense into a Brick Wall
Let’s be honest, the Texans defense has shown promise. But to truly shut down the division rivals, they need to become an impenetrable fortress. Think of them as the Brinks truck of defenses – tough, reliable, and absolutely not fun to play against.
QuickTip: Stop scrolling, read carefully here.
Step 5: Embrace the Power of the 12th Man (or Woman)
The Texans fans are passionate, but they need to up their game. Every home game should feel like a playoff atmosphere. Get loud, get creative, and make the opposing team feel like they’re playing in an alien world.
Remember: It’s all fun and games until someone actually believes it. But hey, a little optimism never hurt anyone, right?
How to...
- How to manage expectations: Keep them low. Really low.
- How to survive a Texans season: Stock up on pain relievers and adult beverages.
- How to become a Texans superfan: Wear red a lot, and learn the words to the fight song.
- How to predict the future: Consult a crystal ball or a really smart squirrel.
- How to enjoy the game: Forget about winning and just appreciate the chaos.
 |
