Sam Houston: The Lone Star State's Biggest Grump
Sam Houston, the man, the myth, the legend – or, as some might say, the colossal buzzkill. You know him as the guy who led Texas to independence from Mexico and then became its first president. But did you know he was basically the Eeyore of 19th-century politics?
A Love-Hate Relationship
Houston loved Texas more than a Texan loves barbecue. He fought tooth and nail for its independence, and when it became a state, he was over the moon (or at least as over the moon as a stoic frontiersman could be). But when it came to Texas seceding from the Union, he was about as thrilled as a cactus in a snowstorm.
The Party Pooper-in-Chief
Imagine you've thrown the biggest, wildest party ever. Everyone's dancing, drinking, and generally having a blast. Then, there's Sam Houston, standing in the corner, looking like someone just stole his last piece of jerky. That's basically how he felt about Texas seceding.
He tried everything to stop it. He gave speeches, he pleaded, he probably even tried to channel his inner Davy Crockett and appeal to the patriotism of the people. But it was like trying to stop a runaway train with a lasso – noble effort, but ultimately futile.
Forced Out
When Texas decided to go all-in on the Confederacy, they didn't exactly give Houston a standing ovation. In fact, they kicked him out of office. Talk about a party foul! Houston was so heartbroken, he probably spent the rest of the Civil War sitting on his porch, petting his dog and muttering about ungrateful children.
The Prophet of Doom
Now, Houston wasn't just a grumpy old man. He was a wise grumpy old man. He predicted that the Civil War would be a bloody, costly mess. And guess what? He was right. So next time you're tempted to ignore the advice of an experienced, older person, just remember Sam Houston.
How To Channel Your Inner Sam Houston
- How to be a pessimist: Practice looking on the dark side of every situation. A rainy day? It's probably a sign of impending doom.
- How to give a dramatic speech: Find a tall tree, stand beneath it, and start talking about the fate of your nation. Bonus points for using big words.
- How to deal with ungrateful children: Sigh heavily, shake your head, and mutter something about "kids these days."
- How to love your state but hate its decisions: It's a complex emotion, but it's totally valid.
- How to predict the future: Be really good at guessing, or just be really grumpy. Sometimes, it's the same thing.