Surviving the Subway: A Beginner's Guide to Not Getting Lost or Eaten
New York City subway. A labyrinth of steel, concrete, and questionable smells. It’s a rite of passage for any visitor, but for the uninitiated, it can feel like navigating a maze blindfolded while juggling chainsaws. Fear not, intrepid traveler! This guide will arm you with the essential knowledge to conquer the subterranean beast.
Step 1: Acquire a MetroCard or Embrace the Future
First things first: you need a ticket. There are two main options: the classic MetroCard, a relic of a bygone era that requires you to swipe with the finesse of a magician, or OMNY, the futuristic tap-and-go system that's as easy as paying for your overpriced coffee. Choose your weapon wisely.
Step 2: Decipher the Subway Map (Or Just Pretend You Can)
The subway map is a piece of art, or a complex puzzle, depending on your perspective. If you're feeling adventurous, try to understand it. If not, just pick a train that looks like it's going in the right direction and hope for the best. Remember, even the locals get lost sometimes.
Step 3: Board the Train: A Game of Chicken
Getting on the subway is like playing a high-stakes game of chicken. You'll need to assert your dominance and board quickly before the doors close in your face. Don't be afraid to use your elbows. Just kidding, kind of. Be assertive, but don't be a jerk.
Step 4: Find a Spot (Or Don't)
There are two types of subway riders: those who claim a seat and those who embrace the standing challenge. The latter are often rewarded with a workout and a front-row seat to the daily drama of New York life.
Step 5: Mind the Gap (Literally)
This isn't just a British saying. The gap between the train and the platform is a notorious leg-muncher. Watch your step, people!
Step 6: Embrace the Chaos
The subway is a microcosm of New York City itself: loud, crowded, and full of surprises. So relax, enjoy the ride (literally), and try not to get too stressed about it.
Bonus Tip: Learn to love the smell of hot garbage and brake dust. It's part of the experience.
How to... Subway Survival FAQs
- How to avoid eye contact? Pretend you're deeply engrossed in your phone, even if you're just staring at a blank screen.
- How to survive rush hour? Develop a strong core and learn to love the human Tetris challenge.
- How to ask for directions? Point vaguely in the direction you think you're going and say, "Am I close?"
- How to deal with strange noises? Assume it's normal and continue scrolling through your phone.
- How to find your stop? Listen to the announcements (if you can hear them over the screaming kids) and watch the station names flash by.