How to Get Published in The New Yorker: A Guide for Mere Mortals
So, you want to write for The New Yorker? Cue dramatic music. Well, buckle up, buttercup, because this is going to be a bumpy ride. Let's be honest, getting published in The New Yorker is about as likely as winning the lottery while being struck by lightning, wearing a unicorn horn. But hey, dreams are free, and delusion is a writer's best friend, right?
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| How To Get Published In The New Yorker |
Step 1: Become a Genius (Optional)
While not strictly necessary, it does help to have a brain the size of a planet and a wit sharper than a samurai sword. Think you've got what it takes? Great! Now, go invent time travel or cure cancer. We'll wait.
Tip: Every word counts — don’t skip too much.
Step 2: Master the Art of Subtext
The New Yorker reader is a sophisticated creature. They don't want to be spoon-fed your meaning. Instead, they prefer to chew on your words like a particularly tough piece of steak, pondering the deeper implications until their brains explode. Or something.
QuickTip: Skim fast, then return for detail.
Step 3: Develop an Obscure Interest
The New Yorker loves nothing more than a deep dive into the utterly mundane. So, forget about writing about puppies or kittens. Instead, try crafting a 5,000-word piece on the history of the paperclip. Or the intricacies of Victorian corset construction.
Tip: Read mindfully — avoid distractions.
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Step 4: Ignore All Rejection Letters
You will get rejected. A lot. But don't let it get you down. Remember, every 'no' is one step closer to a 'yes'. Besides, who needs validation when you can have a self-esteem complex the size of Texas?
QuickTip: Read with curiosity — ask ‘why’ often.
Step 5: Become Best Friends with a New Yorker Editor
Okay, this one might be cheating a little, but it can't hurt to try. Charm them with your wit, your intelligence, and your ability to refill their coffee without being asked.
Important Note: If none of these steps work, don't despair. You could always try writing a really, really long and pretentious piece about the existential crisis of a single grain of rice. Who knows, it might just work!
How to...
- How to handle rejection: Order pizza, watch cat videos, and remember that even the greats got rejected countless times.
- How to find your unique voice: Experiment with different styles, read widely, and don't be afraid to be weird.
- How to structure a New Yorker-worthy piece: Start with a bang, build suspense, and end with a thought-provoking question.
- How to deal with writer's block: Stare at a blank page until inspiration strikes, or bribe yourself with chocolate.
- How to submit your work: Follow the guidelines carefully, and don't forget to include a self-deprecating cover letter.
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